A year in the life

Another year older.

You know I always pictures growing older to come with a certain amount of wisdom. Maybe a package delivered on your birthday with new knowledge and advice for this next year of your life. Lessons you should have learned in the past years, things you should have taken away from life experiences. A checklist maybe.

I didn't get any of that this year, or in years past.

I still am not sure I understand what it means to get older. I'm not sure I've learned anything new or profound with each passing year, or that I'll ever have anything actually worth sharing with the world.

I'm just here, experiencing this life I have for what it is. And we'll see how it goes.

tilt and slide

There's always something sort of comforting and relaxing about being on my knees. It's the sort of act that centers me and helps me focus on whatever issue is at hand for the moment. Like this moment when he's standing in front of me, pushing his fingers into my hair and gripping tightly tilting my head back just right.

It would be impossible to think of anything else like this, but being on my knees makes it that much better.

Open your mouth, he says, and it happens before I even think about doing anything else. And he's sliding forward without hesitation or preamble all the way in until I have to close my eyes just to focus on staying relaxed enough to take this.

He's not slow and sweet, well he can be, but tonight he's not. He pulls his hips back and snaps them forward again immediately setting up a fast paced rhythm, in and out, in and out. It's all I can do to breathe and keep my lips wrapped tightly around him while he fills my mouth.

Later after he's pulled back just long enough to come on my face before pushing right back into my mouth, he pushed me down to the floor. Face pressed against the carpet with my ass up in the air while he moved behind me and thrust right into me. He grips my hips tightly pulling me back onto him as he thrusts forward. One hand finding it's way to my throat, pulling me up and back cutting off my air as he drives into me.

Narrowing my entire world down to these points of contact.

I had a dream last night, he told me. It was about you.

The best laid plans

One thing I have learned and had repeated to me again and again over the last several years is that nothing is set in stone. No matter how sure you are in something there is always the chance that it won't work out just the way you think it will.

And plans most of all are subject to so much outside of themselves.

I made it to the local TNG meeting the week before last, and it was good - I'd missed doing that. And for the most part a lot of the people there were the same people going when I was able to go with more regularity two years ago. So that was good.

Made plans to go again last week but was foiled by exhaustion.

And all ready I've found out my plans for this week aren't going to work out. And next week I'm out of town.

Alas.

One day I'll figure this planning thing out in a way that will work for me and not fall through, until then I'll just fake it until I make it.

What I meant to say...

I got a little side tracked when I wrote last, I had intended to write on a more narrow subject last time and ended up being swept of into the land of the general. Today though I will make an attempt at this more narrowly focused point I had been trying to make then.

First a few facts:

I am twenty-six years old for just another month.
I live in Texas.
I have three younger siblings.
I live with my mother.
I have a near inappropriate love of words and putting them together.
My favorite color is green.
I'm only just learning how to really wear make up.
I listen to songs on repeat constantly.
I hate thunderstorms.
I am stupidly shy in person.

I could go on, but I think for the moment that is enough. All small things really, all part of the whole that is me.

One thing about me that I've been discovering recently is the idea of gender.

I just find it interesting, that so much of our lives we define simply by anatomy that we had no choice over. Our clothing options, or job options, our place in society, the amount of money we make in our professional lives, the amount of privilege with which we view the world. All of these things influenced by whether or not you have a cunt or a dick.

I'm starting to see it all as a much more fluid thing when it comes to the person that is me.

I don't feel like the idea of being a girl really covers all that I am any more than I feel like the idea of being a boy fits either. There are bits from both that can be applied to me. There are days when I feel far more feminine than others and days where I'm much more masculine. There are days where I am in love with my tits and my cunt and there are days where I really fucking wish I had a dick. And I've never felt the need to adhere to strict ideas about what a person ought to wear.

I'm just me, and I don't feel like I need to be defined by gender. I think it's something that plenty of people are happy to apply to themselves, and it's something that plenty of people fight with. It's just kind of there for me - it's not important to the whole that I am.

In flux

These past several years have been a time of discovery and change for me.

For so long I found my identity in Irch and who I was to him, and it was so easy to just be His. It was so easy to let that inform every part of my life and who I was. There is a certain amount of certainty that comes with being owned, in knowing there is always someone there who can remind you of who you are when you forget and pushes you to constantly be your best self. And I really fell into that with Irch.

When things fell apart there I was suddenly left without that support structure I hadn't even realized I was leaning so heavily upon. I was no longer His and I was just me and for a long time I didn't know who me was.

I'm always k, but without Irch there I wasn't entirely sure what that meant.

So these years since then have been a process, an examination of self and desire and want and life.

I am much more firmly sure of things now than I ever have been in the past, I know much more clearly the things I want and desire for myself, and I'm not nearly as afraid of being on my own as I used to be. It's still taking time, it's still occasionally a struggle, but that's life. All of life is a struggle, and knowing just a small bit of who you are makes it easier to cope with those times that are hard, and those times that wear down on you. Because you can always look to that constant of who you are.

I am still growing and changing every day. I am making new realizations about myself constantly, and I'm looking forward to sharing them all with the world.

Currently relevant

 A sudden blow: the great wings beating still
   Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed
   By the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill,
   He holds her helpless breast upon his breast.

   How can those terrified vague fingers push
   The feathered glory from her loosening thighs?
   And how can body, laid in that white rush,
   But feel the strange heart beating where it lies?

   A shudder in the loins engenders there
   The broken wall, the burning roof and tower
   And Agamemnon dead.

                       Being so caught up,

   So mastered by the brute blood of the air,
   Did she put on his knowledge with his power
   Before the indifferent beak could let her drop?

I know better

Do any of you use Fetlife?

I joined a few years ago myself, in the hopes of meeting people who do not exist solely on the internet. Not that I haven't had great success and fulfillment from many different types of online relationships. When I joined Fetlife I was looking for something more physical than what I'd experienced in the past.

And amazingly I was able to forge several new relationships in the land of the living through Fetlife. My hometown is very active as far as my interests go, and it was such a pleasure getting to know people my own age with similar interests - going out to drinks and having parties and generally enjoying ourselves.

I wonder though...

I received a new message in my inbox, it's from someone I don't know - this happens occasionally, and so I forged ahead to see what could possibly lay in wait for me, only to find:

wanna fuck

This is not the first message I've gotten like this, and I sincerely doubt it will be the last. The online culture of BDSM has created something of a standard for some men to browse through the demographics until they find a young woman who would be interested in spending a little quality time with them. I noticed a lot of this mindset even back when I still frequented MSN chatrooms. I find it very interesting the idea that some men (and I suppose there must be some women who fall into this as well) believe all women who are interested in this specific lifestyle would be so easily wooed by such witty turns of phrase.

I really should know better than to respond, but some days I'm just feeling a little snippy.

k: That's the best you can come up with? Really?

Mystery Man: not at all, actually when I was typing it something said to me dont.....and I am glad the way ur response was , quite appropriate . So lets start again, wz ur deal, are you new or experienced and wt kind of role play or fantasies you are here to fulfill .

I ask you, in all honesty, how could I not be taken in by such a message? It really is beyond comprehension. The conversation quickly dissolved to the point where I was informed I would need to be punished for my lack of subtlety and subsequently informed that expecting complete sentences and words to be spelled out simply was too much to ask for.

I will admit I get a certain amount of pleasure when I can carry on a conversation with people like this to the point where they finally give up. It's always interesting to me just how long some people are willing to play these things out with the hopes of that eventual fuck.

It was just not to be this time.