Another year older.
You know I always pictures growing older to come with a certain amount of wisdom. Maybe a package delivered on your birthday with new knowledge and advice for this next year of your life. Lessons you should have learned in the past years, things you should have taken away from life experiences. A checklist maybe.
I didn't get any of that this year, or in years past.
I still am not sure I understand what it means to get older. I'm not sure I've learned anything new or profound with each passing year, or that I'll ever have anything actually worth sharing with the world.
I'm just here, experiencing this life I have for what it is. And we'll see how it goes.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
tilt and slide
There's always something sort of comforting and relaxing about being on my knees. It's the sort of act that centers me and helps me focus on whatever issue is at hand for the moment. Like this moment when he's standing in front of me, pushing his fingers into my hair and gripping tightly tilting my head back just right.
It would be impossible to think of anything else like this, but being on my knees makes it that much better.
Open your mouth, he says, and it happens before I even think about doing anything else. And he's sliding forward without hesitation or preamble all the way in until I have to close my eyes just to focus on staying relaxed enough to take this.
He's not slow and sweet, well he can be, but tonight he's not. He pulls his hips back and snaps them forward again immediately setting up a fast paced rhythm, in and out, in and out. It's all I can do to breathe and keep my lips wrapped tightly around him while he fills my mouth.
Later after he's pulled back just long enough to come on my face before pushing right back into my mouth, he pushed me down to the floor. Face pressed against the carpet with my ass up in the air while he moved behind me and thrust right into me. He grips my hips tightly pulling me back onto him as he thrusts forward. One hand finding it's way to my throat, pulling me up and back cutting off my air as he drives into me.
Narrowing my entire world down to these points of contact.
I had a dream last night, he told me. It was about you.
It would be impossible to think of anything else like this, but being on my knees makes it that much better.
Open your mouth, he says, and it happens before I even think about doing anything else. And he's sliding forward without hesitation or preamble all the way in until I have to close my eyes just to focus on staying relaxed enough to take this.
He's not slow and sweet, well he can be, but tonight he's not. He pulls his hips back and snaps them forward again immediately setting up a fast paced rhythm, in and out, in and out. It's all I can do to breathe and keep my lips wrapped tightly around him while he fills my mouth.
Later after he's pulled back just long enough to come on my face before pushing right back into my mouth, he pushed me down to the floor. Face pressed against the carpet with my ass up in the air while he moved behind me and thrust right into me. He grips my hips tightly pulling me back onto him as he thrusts forward. One hand finding it's way to my throat, pulling me up and back cutting off my air as he drives into me.
Narrowing my entire world down to these points of contact.
I had a dream last night, he told me. It was about you.
Monday, April 18, 2011
The best laid plans
One thing I have learned and had repeated to me again and again over the last several years is that nothing is set in stone. No matter how sure you are in something there is always the chance that it won't work out just the way you think it will.
And plans most of all are subject to so much outside of themselves.
I made it to the local TNG meeting the week before last, and it was good - I'd missed doing that. And for the most part a lot of the people there were the same people going when I was able to go with more regularity two years ago. So that was good.
Made plans to go again last week but was foiled by exhaustion.
And all ready I've found out my plans for this week aren't going to work out. And next week I'm out of town.
Alas.
One day I'll figure this planning thing out in a way that will work for me and not fall through, until then I'll just fake it until I make it.
And plans most of all are subject to so much outside of themselves.
I made it to the local TNG meeting the week before last, and it was good - I'd missed doing that. And for the most part a lot of the people there were the same people going when I was able to go with more regularity two years ago. So that was good.
Made plans to go again last week but was foiled by exhaustion.
And all ready I've found out my plans for this week aren't going to work out. And next week I'm out of town.
Alas.
One day I'll figure this planning thing out in a way that will work for me and not fall through, until then I'll just fake it until I make it.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
What I meant to say...
I got a little side tracked when I wrote last, I had intended to write on a more narrow subject last time and ended up being swept of into the land of the general. Today though I will make an attempt at this more narrowly focused point I had been trying to make then.
First a few facts:
I am twenty-six years old for just another month.
I live in Texas.
I have three younger siblings.
I live with my mother.
I have a near inappropriate love of words and putting them together.
My favorite color is green.
I'm only just learning how to really wear make up.
I listen to songs on repeat constantly.
I hate thunderstorms.
I am stupidly shy in person.
I could go on, but I think for the moment that is enough. All small things really, all part of the whole that is me.
One thing about me that I've been discovering recently is the idea of gender.
I just find it interesting, that so much of our lives we define simply by anatomy that we had no choice over. Our clothing options, or job options, our place in society, the amount of money we make in our professional lives, the amount of privilege with which we view the world. All of these things influenced by whether or not you have a cunt or a dick.
I'm starting to see it all as a much more fluid thing when it comes to the person that is me.
I don't feel like the idea of being a girl really covers all that I am any more than I feel like the idea of being a boy fits either. There are bits from both that can be applied to me. There are days when I feel far more feminine than others and days where I'm much more masculine. There are days where I am in love with my tits and my cunt and there are days where I really fucking wish I had a dick. And I've never felt the need to adhere to strict ideas about what a person ought to wear.
I'm just me, and I don't feel like I need to be defined by gender. I think it's something that plenty of people are happy to apply to themselves, and it's something that plenty of people fight with. It's just kind of there for me - it's not important to the whole that I am.
First a few facts:
I am twenty-six years old for just another month.
I live in Texas.
I have three younger siblings.
I live with my mother.
I have a near inappropriate love of words and putting them together.
My favorite color is green.
I'm only just learning how to really wear make up.
I listen to songs on repeat constantly.
I hate thunderstorms.
I am stupidly shy in person.
I could go on, but I think for the moment that is enough. All small things really, all part of the whole that is me.
One thing about me that I've been discovering recently is the idea of gender.
I just find it interesting, that so much of our lives we define simply by anatomy that we had no choice over. Our clothing options, or job options, our place in society, the amount of money we make in our professional lives, the amount of privilege with which we view the world. All of these things influenced by whether or not you have a cunt or a dick.
I'm starting to see it all as a much more fluid thing when it comes to the person that is me.
I don't feel like the idea of being a girl really covers all that I am any more than I feel like the idea of being a boy fits either. There are bits from both that can be applied to me. There are days when I feel far more feminine than others and days where I'm much more masculine. There are days where I am in love with my tits and my cunt and there are days where I really fucking wish I had a dick. And I've never felt the need to adhere to strict ideas about what a person ought to wear.
I'm just me, and I don't feel like I need to be defined by gender. I think it's something that plenty of people are happy to apply to themselves, and it's something that plenty of people fight with. It's just kind of there for me - it's not important to the whole that I am.
Saturday, April 2, 2011
In flux
These past several years have been a time of discovery and change for me.
For so long I found my identity in Irch and who I was to him, and it was so easy to just be His. It was so easy to let that inform every part of my life and who I was. There is a certain amount of certainty that comes with being owned, in knowing there is always someone there who can remind you of who you are when you forget and pushes you to constantly be your best self. And I really fell into that with Irch.
When things fell apart there I was suddenly left without that support structure I hadn't even realized I was leaning so heavily upon. I was no longer His and I was just me and for a long time I didn't know who me was.
I'm always k, but without Irch there I wasn't entirely sure what that meant.
So these years since then have been a process, an examination of self and desire and want and life.
I am much more firmly sure of things now than I ever have been in the past, I know much more clearly the things I want and desire for myself, and I'm not nearly as afraid of being on my own as I used to be. It's still taking time, it's still occasionally a struggle, but that's life. All of life is a struggle, and knowing just a small bit of who you are makes it easier to cope with those times that are hard, and those times that wear down on you. Because you can always look to that constant of who you are.
I am still growing and changing every day. I am making new realizations about myself constantly, and I'm looking forward to sharing them all with the world.
For so long I found my identity in Irch and who I was to him, and it was so easy to just be His. It was so easy to let that inform every part of my life and who I was. There is a certain amount of certainty that comes with being owned, in knowing there is always someone there who can remind you of who you are when you forget and pushes you to constantly be your best self. And I really fell into that with Irch.
When things fell apart there I was suddenly left without that support structure I hadn't even realized I was leaning so heavily upon. I was no longer His and I was just me and for a long time I didn't know who me was.
I'm always k, but without Irch there I wasn't entirely sure what that meant.
So these years since then have been a process, an examination of self and desire and want and life.
I am much more firmly sure of things now than I ever have been in the past, I know much more clearly the things I want and desire for myself, and I'm not nearly as afraid of being on my own as I used to be. It's still taking time, it's still occasionally a struggle, but that's life. All of life is a struggle, and knowing just a small bit of who you are makes it easier to cope with those times that are hard, and those times that wear down on you. Because you can always look to that constant of who you are.
I am still growing and changing every day. I am making new realizations about myself constantly, and I'm looking forward to sharing them all with the world.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Currently relevant
A sudden blow: the great wings beating still
Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed
By the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill,
He holds her helpless breast upon his breast.
How can those terrified vague fingers push
The feathered glory from her loosening thighs?
And how can body, laid in that white rush,
But feel the strange heart beating where it lies?
A shudder in the loins engenders there
The broken wall, the burning roof and tower
And Agamemnon dead.
Being so caught up,
So mastered by the brute blood of the air,
Did she put on his knowledge with his power
Before the indifferent beak could let her drop?
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I know better
Do any of you use Fetlife?
I joined a few years ago myself, in the hopes of meeting people who do not exist solely on the internet. Not that I haven't had great success and fulfillment from many different types of online relationships. When I joined Fetlife I was looking for something more physical than what I'd experienced in the past.
And amazingly I was able to forge several new relationships in the land of the living through Fetlife. My hometown is very active as far as my interests go, and it was such a pleasure getting to know people my own age with similar interests - going out to drinks and having parties and generally enjoying ourselves.
I wonder though...
I received a new message in my inbox, it's from someone I don't know - this happens occasionally, and so I forged ahead to see what could possibly lay in wait for me, only to find:
I joined a few years ago myself, in the hopes of meeting people who do not exist solely on the internet. Not that I haven't had great success and fulfillment from many different types of online relationships. When I joined Fetlife I was looking for something more physical than what I'd experienced in the past.
And amazingly I was able to forge several new relationships in the land of the living through Fetlife. My hometown is very active as far as my interests go, and it was such a pleasure getting to know people my own age with similar interests - going out to drinks and having parties and generally enjoying ourselves.
I wonder though...
I received a new message in my inbox, it's from someone I don't know - this happens occasionally, and so I forged ahead to see what could possibly lay in wait for me, only to find:
wanna fuck
This is not the first message I've gotten like this, and I sincerely doubt it will be the last. The online culture of BDSM has created something of a standard for some men to browse through the demographics until they find a young woman who would be interested in spending a little quality time with them. I noticed a lot of this mindset even back when I still frequented MSN chatrooms. I find it very interesting the idea that some men (and I suppose there must be some women who fall into this as well) believe all women who are interested in this specific lifestyle would be so easily wooed by such witty turns of phrase.
I really should know better than to respond, but some days I'm just feeling a little snippy.
k: That's the best you can come up with? Really?
Mystery Man: not at all, actually when I was typing it something said to me dont.....and I am glad the way ur response was , quite appropriate . So lets start again, wz ur deal, are you new or experienced and wt kind of role play or fantasies you are here to fulfill .
I really should know better than to respond, but some days I'm just feeling a little snippy.
k: That's the best you can come up with? Really?
Mystery Man: not at all, actually when I was typing it something said to me dont.....and I am glad the way ur response was , quite appropriate . So lets start again, wz ur deal, are you new or experienced and wt kind of role play or fantasies you are here to fulfill .
I ask you, in all honesty, how could I not be taken in by such a message? It really is beyond comprehension. The conversation quickly dissolved to the point where I was informed I would need to be punished for my lack of subtlety and subsequently informed that expecting complete sentences and words to be spelled out simply was too much to ask for.
I will admit I get a certain amount of pleasure when I can carry on a conversation with people like this to the point where they finally give up. It's always interesting to me just how long some people are willing to play these things out with the hopes of that eventual fuck.
It was just not to be this time.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
foundations
According to the entry dates I stopped writing here nearly two years ago. Two years. I think I am a significantly different person now than who I was then. The foundation is the same of course, I am always and will always be me, but the trappings are different now.
2009 brought a lot of troubles in the way of family my way, and it really pulled me out of any momentum I had going toward exploring myself and looking toward new experiences in my life. It was a hard year for us, but we made it - like we always do and despite the losses we experienced that year, we were stronger for them.
2010 was something of a mystery to me.
Having fallen out of patterns I'd built up for myself I felt kind of lost as I put the pieces back together from the year before. It was not without it's triumphs of course, there were a great many good things about the last year that I am very glad happened. 2010 was a year of shaping and changing for me and it's left me here at the start of 2011 not entirely sure what I am going to do with myself.
So here I am starting over again. It seems to be a bit of a habit with me, but we'll see how it goes.
2009 brought a lot of troubles in the way of family my way, and it really pulled me out of any momentum I had going toward exploring myself and looking toward new experiences in my life. It was a hard year for us, but we made it - like we always do and despite the losses we experienced that year, we were stronger for them.
2010 was something of a mystery to me.
Having fallen out of patterns I'd built up for myself I felt kind of lost as I put the pieces back together from the year before. It was not without it's triumphs of course, there were a great many good things about the last year that I am very glad happened. 2010 was a year of shaping and changing for me and it's left me here at the start of 2011 not entirely sure what I am going to do with myself.
So here I am starting over again. It seems to be a bit of a habit with me, but we'll see how it goes.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Stepping out
I wonder if anyone comes across this blog anymore. Or if, perhaps, it has simply been forgotten. Not that I would blame anyone if that has been the case. I did sort of leave things on a final note when last I was here.
But I wonder.
Is there anyone out there? I've been thinking of delving back into this part of myself again, and if that is to be the case then I need a place in which to explore. And this would be my preference.
It's a new year, and I've made a lot of changes to myself, and I'm looking forward to a great deal more.
But I wonder.
Is there anyone out there? I've been thinking of delving back into this part of myself again, and if that is to be the case then I need a place in which to explore. And this would be my preference.
It's a new year, and I've made a lot of changes to myself, and I'm looking forward to a great deal more.
Monday, February 2, 2009
Living Life
You know, I created this blog a little less than a year ago - after a pretty heart wrenching break up with Irch. I wasn't sure who I was anymore then, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with myself, and I wasn't sure how I was ever going to keep going.
Over the past 11 months since then, I have moved home, I been job searching tirelessly, I have continued trucking along on that grad school application I've been working on for years, I have been making friends, I have been going out, I have been learning about myself, I have been enjoying life, I have been discovering and loving and learning.
I think I can safely say now that I am my own person.
Yes I still miss Irch from time to time, but not in that 'I wish he would take me back' sort of way, and not even in that 'I miss my friend' sort of way either. We still maintain contact, though no where near the way we used to. He is still some one important in my life - but he is not my life.
But now I feel confident that I can move on, I can do the things I want to without having something in the back of my mind thinking about him.
I have a pretty good group of friends here in town, who know me - the real me, and I can talk to them when I need to and we laugh and tease and play and have fun together. I am still single, but it's not some terrible thing anymore, I'm ok with being single and I'm enjoying the things that come along with it.
And I am enjoying the chance to live a life on my own for once.
And that was the point of this blog. To move from that place of utter dejection and hurt, to move past a place where I could only see hurt and pain.
And I think over the past year or so, I have managed that. I feel good on my own, and I feel happy and excited to see where this year is going to take me.
So I'm not sure if I'm going to keep writing or not - I know I've been pretty sparse recently, but I've been going through the business of living. I'm sure to pop my head in from time to time, but for the most part I am done.
Maybe when there is something new and exciting going on I'll stop by and let you know. I want to thank everyone who has been reading with me and offering support and love over this past year. It's been good to know I haven't been alone, it's been comforting to know there are people out there who cared about me when things fell apart.
And I just wanted to take the time to say thank you, and let you know I'm living.
Over the past 11 months since then, I have moved home, I been job searching tirelessly, I have continued trucking along on that grad school application I've been working on for years, I have been making friends, I have been going out, I have been learning about myself, I have been enjoying life, I have been discovering and loving and learning.
I think I can safely say now that I am my own person.
Yes I still miss Irch from time to time, but not in that 'I wish he would take me back' sort of way, and not even in that 'I miss my friend' sort of way either. We still maintain contact, though no where near the way we used to. He is still some one important in my life - but he is not my life.
But now I feel confident that I can move on, I can do the things I want to without having something in the back of my mind thinking about him.
I have a pretty good group of friends here in town, who know me - the real me, and I can talk to them when I need to and we laugh and tease and play and have fun together. I am still single, but it's not some terrible thing anymore, I'm ok with being single and I'm enjoying the things that come along with it.
And I am enjoying the chance to live a life on my own for once.
And that was the point of this blog. To move from that place of utter dejection and hurt, to move past a place where I could only see hurt and pain.
And I think over the past year or so, I have managed that. I feel good on my own, and I feel happy and excited to see where this year is going to take me.
So I'm not sure if I'm going to keep writing or not - I know I've been pretty sparse recently, but I've been going through the business of living. I'm sure to pop my head in from time to time, but for the most part I am done.
Maybe when there is something new and exciting going on I'll stop by and let you know. I want to thank everyone who has been reading with me and offering support and love over this past year. It's been good to know I haven't been alone, it's been comforting to know there are people out there who cared about me when things fell apart.
And I just wanted to take the time to say thank you, and let you know I'm living.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
New Year
Well ... we're into the new year, ready to start a whole new year of experiences and things.
I'm not really one for resolutions, mostly because I don't keep the ones I make. But I want this year to be a better year. I want to spend this year having fun, and enjoying being me, being young and single and exploring things about myself that I haven't before. I want to spend this year looking for fun instead of reminding myself of past hurts. And I want to spend this year continuing to learn more about myself the way I have been the last several months.
I had a nice start to the new year, yesterday when I got to spend the evening with my friend from last week. It was a nice change of pace to go downtown for an evening, I haven't actually been down there in years. So it was fun and different and very new for me.
I am hoping this year will hold lots more fun and different experiences for me :)
I'm not really one for resolutions, mostly because I don't keep the ones I make. But I want this year to be a better year. I want to spend this year having fun, and enjoying being me, being young and single and exploring things about myself that I haven't before. I want to spend this year looking for fun instead of reminding myself of past hurts. And I want to spend this year continuing to learn more about myself the way I have been the last several months.
I had a nice start to the new year, yesterday when I got to spend the evening with my friend from last week. It was a nice change of pace to go downtown for an evening, I haven't actually been down there in years. So it was fun and different and very new for me.
I am hoping this year will hold lots more fun and different experiences for me :)
Monday, December 29, 2008
Weekened Fun
I had a rather nice weekend. Or well a rather nice Saturday night if we're going to be specific, but I'd say the whole weekend was a pretty good one. The Christmas music has mostly been put away for the next year, things are quite so hectic with preparations around here, and of course all the presents does go a long way to soothing one's bah humbug temperament.
This weekend though I got to meet a rather nice fellow. He invited me over for a home cooked meal and a movie, and really that just sounded too nice to pass up. So I took him up on his offer, despite that sick feeling I get in my stomach when it comes to meeting new people, I swallowed that down and made the short drive to his apartment.
I have to say I got a very nice welcome at his door. And things like dinner and a movie were sort of pushed back until later in the evening since we were busy enjoying one another's company for a long while.
Got to find out that face slapping is fun.
And it looks like maybe I'll get to see him again this up coming weekend. We shall see. More details to follow and such. But this was a very nice way to end the year and hopefully a good way to start off the new.
This weekend though I got to meet a rather nice fellow. He invited me over for a home cooked meal and a movie, and really that just sounded too nice to pass up. So I took him up on his offer, despite that sick feeling I get in my stomach when it comes to meeting new people, I swallowed that down and made the short drive to his apartment.
I have to say I got a very nice welcome at his door. And things like dinner and a movie were sort of pushed back until later in the evening since we were busy enjoying one another's company for a long while.
Got to find out that face slapping is fun.
And it looks like maybe I'll get to see him again this up coming weekend. We shall see. More details to follow and such. But this was a very nice way to end the year and hopefully a good way to start off the new.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Christmas Again
I can't believe it's Christmas again - it's almost next year already, just how did that happen, I ask you?
As far as years go, this one hasn't been the best, all that stuff with Irch aside, I haven't accomplished all the things I set out to do over the past year, I am pretty much the same person today that I was last Christmas. Apart from the spending last Christmas alone, and being single this year.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this time last year recently. Which is generally not the best idea for me. This time last year, I was gearing up to fly out to California to visit Irch for New Years. I was thinking just how excited I was for the new year, for all the new and exciting things that were going to happen. It's just interesting the way things work out - the best laid plans and all that.
For Christmas this year, all I am hoping for is a better year than the last. To be content and happy with myself and my life.
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, which ever you may celebrate and I look forward to sharing this next year with you all.
As far as years go, this one hasn't been the best, all that stuff with Irch aside, I haven't accomplished all the things I set out to do over the past year, I am pretty much the same person today that I was last Christmas. Apart from the spending last Christmas alone, and being single this year.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this time last year recently. Which is generally not the best idea for me. This time last year, I was gearing up to fly out to California to visit Irch for New Years. I was thinking just how excited I was for the new year, for all the new and exciting things that were going to happen. It's just interesting the way things work out - the best laid plans and all that.
For Christmas this year, all I am hoping for is a better year than the last. To be content and happy with myself and my life.
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, which ever you may celebrate and I look forward to sharing this next year with you all.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Homecoming
Well I am back from Indianaland. It was so cold, my poor little Texas self didn't know if I was going to survive the entire trip at some points. But there was snow! And that was pretty great. I think I shall forever be one of those Texans who goes giddy at the sight of snow. It actually snowed here in Texas last night which was amazing and wonderful as well :D
The trip was long and we did all the driving in one go so that was pretty hard too. And unfortunately I didn't get to meet up with my old friend while I was up that way - he was having car troubles. So sadly no new stories, at least not any that have anything to do with him.
There may be someone new in my future, but we'll just have to wait and see about that. I'm sure for the time being I have some older stories I can pull back up to the sunlight.
The trip was long and we did all the driving in one go so that was pretty hard too. And unfortunately I didn't get to meet up with my old friend while I was up that way - he was having car troubles. So sadly no new stories, at least not any that have anything to do with him.
There may be someone new in my future, but we'll just have to wait and see about that. I'm sure for the time being I have some older stories I can pull back up to the sunlight.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Still kicking
It's been a little while since I've done anything much over here.
Things are still rolling along at their usual slower than comfortable pace, but that is ok for the time being. Especially with the holiday season descending upon us. I can't believe it is practically December, it feels like just a few days ago it was March, and now here we are all the way in December.
I'm not ready for it to be this last in the year already.
Thanksgiving is over and done with. I was sick this year, so that was disappointing, and now I am preparing for a trip up to Indiana in a few days. And I just might get to see an old friend of mine, which will mean plenty of new stories if he and I manage to see one another again.
So I hope you all will have a wonderful holiday season and I should be around with more stories when I return from my trip.
Things are still rolling along at their usual slower than comfortable pace, but that is ok for the time being. Especially with the holiday season descending upon us. I can't believe it is practically December, it feels like just a few days ago it was March, and now here we are all the way in December.
I'm not ready for it to be this last in the year already.
Thanksgiving is over and done with. I was sick this year, so that was disappointing, and now I am preparing for a trip up to Indiana in a few days. And I just might get to see an old friend of mine, which will mean plenty of new stories if he and I manage to see one another again.
So I hope you all will have a wonderful holiday season and I should be around with more stories when I return from my trip.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
sub culture
As part of my getting involved and meeting new people plan, I joined a local group for submissive types. They have a meeting once a month, so I've only gone to one so far. Though this month I missed the meeting.
The topic this month was one I thought I could have really contributed to too, so I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to go. So I wrote up some of my feelings on the matter and added it to the mailing list and since I seem to be a little quiet recently I thought I would copy it here.
I think the quote provided this month are particularly fitting. Earlier this year, the relationship that I was in ended, and I guess you could call that a release - though it was no where as cut and dry as something as that might have been. But I went from one day knowing who I was and to whom I belong and then the next day suddenly everything was upside down.
I've spent the last several months trying to put myself back together after that release and it hasn't been an easy process. For so long I identified as belonging to this person. I wasn't just k, I was His k and belonging to him was something that suffused every part of my life right down to the most mundane things.
I think the hardest part for me has been moving away from that mentality, and moving on to define myself as my own person. I think more than in vanilla relationships, and even more so from the s-type side of things, we identify ourselves based on our relationships, and then when that relationship is suddenly gone how do you identify yourself? Because you've not only lost the person that you loved, but you've also lost that part that you use to identify yourself.
So I've been rebuilding, from the ground up, to learn how to identify myself through only myself. Because if I can't do that, then I'm not ready to move on and I'm certainly not ready to belong to someone else because as long as I'm still clinging to that bit of identity I had in that relationship I am still owned in part - even if I've been released.
So that's my challenge. And I am working now on getting to know myself better so I'll be ready when that next door is open.
The topic this month was one I thought I could have really contributed to too, so I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to go. So I wrote up some of my feelings on the matter and added it to the mailing list and since I seem to be a little quiet recently I thought I would copy it here.
"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or, you will be taught how to fly." -Patrick Overton
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." -Alexander Graham Bell
I think the quote provided this month are particularly fitting. Earlier this year, the relationship that I was in ended, and I guess you could call that a release - though it was no where as cut and dry as something as that might have been. But I went from one day knowing who I was and to whom I belong and then the next day suddenly everything was upside down.
I've spent the last several months trying to put myself back together after that release and it hasn't been an easy process. For so long I identified as belonging to this person. I wasn't just k, I was His k and belonging to him was something that suffused every part of my life right down to the most mundane things.
I think the hardest part for me has been moving away from that mentality, and moving on to define myself as my own person. I think more than in vanilla relationships, and even more so from the s-type side of things, we identify ourselves based on our relationships, and then when that relationship is suddenly gone how do you identify yourself? Because you've not only lost the person that you loved, but you've also lost that part that you use to identify yourself.
So I've been rebuilding, from the ground up, to learn how to identify myself through only myself. Because if I can't do that, then I'm not ready to move on and I'm certainly not ready to belong to someone else because as long as I'm still clinging to that bit of identity I had in that relationship I am still owned in part - even if I've been released.
So that's my challenge. And I am working now on getting to know myself better so I'll be ready when that next door is open.
Monday, November 3, 2008
The way of things
So as you all know I've been working on getting involved in the local kink community over the past few months. And from my point of view it's been going pretty durn well.
This past week at our little weekly get together there were two new people who stopped by, both very new to the local scene too. For me it's a bit strange to hear about people who are brand new to the scene stuff and in that first week they'll go to 3 different parties and play with all sorts of people and try all these new things.
I can't imagine doing that, I mean I have a hard enough time branching out from the things I already do. I'm still working my way up to parties - I'd liked to go at least once to see what they're like.
I think my big problem with all of this is having no one to go with. I wouldn't be so deathly shy if I had someone there to hold my hand while trying all these new things. But I've been taking my time to make friends so I'll have someone there I can hide behind if I suddenly discover that this big ol' world of kink is just too scary for me.
It's just interesting to see the different routes people take through all of this.
This past week at our little weekly get together there were two new people who stopped by, both very new to the local scene too. For me it's a bit strange to hear about people who are brand new to the scene stuff and in that first week they'll go to 3 different parties and play with all sorts of people and try all these new things.
I can't imagine doing that, I mean I have a hard enough time branching out from the things I already do. I'm still working my way up to parties - I'd liked to go at least once to see what they're like.
I think my big problem with all of this is having no one to go with. I wouldn't be so deathly shy if I had someone there to hold my hand while trying all these new things. But I've been taking my time to make friends so I'll have someone there I can hide behind if I suddenly discover that this big ol' world of kink is just too scary for me.
It's just interesting to see the different routes people take through all of this.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Too much information?
I wonder sometimes if what Harry said, in When Harry Met Sally, is actually true. That men and women can't be friends because the man always wants to have sex with the woman. I wonder if that means that a man who doesn't want to have sex with a particular woman can't be friends with that woman?
Irch and I have been keeping up a tentative email relationship over the past few months. We exchange an email ever 1 or 2 weeks. It's a big change from the nearly constant communication we had while we were together and even when we were "just friends."
In the last email he sent me, Irch decided he wanted to be honest with me and let me know that he was dating again.
And for all the months I've been working through being dumped and trying to be just his friend and not really sure where I stand with him - Part of me wanted to go right back to where I was when I was falling apart all the time. I'm not sure I needed to know he was dating again - because not only is it sort of a sign that things between us are never going to go back to the way I might fantasize about, but there must have been something wrong with me that he couldn't date me but he can date whoever it is he is dating now.
And it just makes me wonder - throughout the course of our friendship, there has always been a mutual sexual attraction, now whether or not we were able to act on that or not varied a lot over the years. But now it seems that the attraction is not so mutual?
In any case it seems like if we're going to make this friendship thing work, it's going to have to be done without that attraction. Though I don't know if I am up for that. Can you go from years of wanting a person to suddenly nothing? When there is so much history there?
I'm not sure we can do it, to tell you the truth. Our relationship has been so much about the flirting and teasing and all those things that go along with wanting someone, that I don't know what to do now without them. Sure, we have things in common besides that basic want, but based on our current communications I'm just not so sure it's enough.
I started this post with some idea of what I wanted to say, that was a few days ago now, and I seem to have lost the original point of this. Suffice it to say - no matter how much you think you're over someone they can always prove you wrong. And I do know that it's going to be hard being friends with someone I'm still clinging to in the way that I still cling to Irch, even though it's in such a small way.
Irch and I have been keeping up a tentative email relationship over the past few months. We exchange an email ever 1 or 2 weeks. It's a big change from the nearly constant communication we had while we were together and even when we were "just friends."
In the last email he sent me, Irch decided he wanted to be honest with me and let me know that he was dating again.
And for all the months I've been working through being dumped and trying to be just his friend and not really sure where I stand with him - Part of me wanted to go right back to where I was when I was falling apart all the time. I'm not sure I needed to know he was dating again - because not only is it sort of a sign that things between us are never going to go back to the way I might fantasize about, but there must have been something wrong with me that he couldn't date me but he can date whoever it is he is dating now.
And it just makes me wonder - throughout the course of our friendship, there has always been a mutual sexual attraction, now whether or not we were able to act on that or not varied a lot over the years. But now it seems that the attraction is not so mutual?
In any case it seems like if we're going to make this friendship thing work, it's going to have to be done without that attraction. Though I don't know if I am up for that. Can you go from years of wanting a person to suddenly nothing? When there is so much history there?
I'm not sure we can do it, to tell you the truth. Our relationship has been so much about the flirting and teasing and all those things that go along with wanting someone, that I don't know what to do now without them. Sure, we have things in common besides that basic want, but based on our current communications I'm just not so sure it's enough.
I started this post with some idea of what I wanted to say, that was a few days ago now, and I seem to have lost the original point of this. Suffice it to say - no matter how much you think you're over someone they can always prove you wrong. And I do know that it's going to be hard being friends with someone I'm still clinging to in the way that I still cling to Irch, even though it's in such a small way.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
You take me
If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
'Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
'Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You need a light, I'd find a match.
'Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.
If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.
'Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.
I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.
'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Busy Busy Busy
Today, was an unusually busy day. Along with the myriad of things I do during my day to day life, there was that weekly Tuesday night get together. Though I skipped last week - I just have this thing about driving in the rain. Tonight was a good one though, there were lots of laughs and a pretty large turnout.
I am very much enjoying being a part of this group. It's nice to feel like I am making friends who whom I can be honest and open about the total person I am, and not just parts of the person I am the way I am with most of my friends.
Once that was over, I headed home. Only once I got there I got a message from a friend of mine, T. He will say hi every so often. He is one of the guys I met through craigslist a few months back. And tonight we had a little conversation, that went something like this:
So of course I went over to get a spanking, and goodness what a spanking it was. I won't deny that I am submissive through and through, nor will I deny my love of blow jobs. But when it comes right down to it - I love being spanked.
It's what introduced me to this whole crazy world of kink in the first place, and I still get weak in the knees at just the thought of a good spanking. The majority of my fantasies revolve around some form of spanking - it's just what really does it for me.
And I got a pretty durn good spanking tonight, I can still feel it as I sit here typing this up. I can only hope that feeling lasts throughout the night and into tomorrow.
I am very much enjoying being a part of this group. It's nice to feel like I am making friends who whom I can be honest and open about the total person I am, and not just parts of the person I am the way I am with most of my friends.
Once that was over, I headed home. Only once I got there I got a message from a friend of mine, T. He will say hi every so often. He is one of the guys I met through craigslist a few months back. And tonight we had a little conversation, that went something like this:
What's a girl to do when she gets a proposition like that, I ask ya?
T: hey you
k: hey
T: how's it goin?
k: not too bad, just got in .. how about you?
T: I'm doing okay...
T: so what were you up to this evening?
k: not a whole lot, i was hanging out with friends a little earlier
T: fun fun
T: so is your evening over or do you think it might last a little longer?
k: i'm not really sure yet
T: oh yeah?
k: yep
T: cool
T: anything I can do to help you make up your mind or are were you talking about someone else?
k: no one else at the moment
T: well then - would you like to come on over and get a spanking?
k: lol well when you say it like that
So of course I went over to get a spanking, and goodness what a spanking it was. I won't deny that I am submissive through and through, nor will I deny my love of blow jobs. But when it comes right down to it - I love being spanked.
It's what introduced me to this whole crazy world of kink in the first place, and I still get weak in the knees at just the thought of a good spanking. The majority of my fantasies revolve around some form of spanking - it's just what really does it for me.
And I got a pretty durn good spanking tonight, I can still feel it as I sit here typing this up. I can only hope that feeling lasts throughout the night and into tomorrow.
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