In flux

These past several years have been a time of discovery and change for me.

For so long I found my identity in Irch and who I was to him, and it was so easy to just be His. It was so easy to let that inform every part of my life and who I was. There is a certain amount of certainty that comes with being owned, in knowing there is always someone there who can remind you of who you are when you forget and pushes you to constantly be your best self. And I really fell into that with Irch.

When things fell apart there I was suddenly left without that support structure I hadn't even realized I was leaning so heavily upon. I was no longer His and I was just me and for a long time I didn't know who me was.

I'm always k, but without Irch there I wasn't entirely sure what that meant.

So these years since then have been a process, an examination of self and desire and want and life.

I am much more firmly sure of things now than I ever have been in the past, I know much more clearly the things I want and desire for myself, and I'm not nearly as afraid of being on my own as I used to be. It's still taking time, it's still occasionally a struggle, but that's life. All of life is a struggle, and knowing just a small bit of who you are makes it easier to cope with those times that are hard, and those times that wear down on you. Because you can always look to that constant of who you are.

I am still growing and changing every day. I am making new realizations about myself constantly, and I'm looking forward to sharing them all with the world.

Currently relevant

 A sudden blow: the great wings beating still
   Above the staggering girl, her thighs caressed
   By the dark webs, her nape caught in his bill,
   He holds her helpless breast upon his breast.

   How can those terrified vague fingers push
   The feathered glory from her loosening thighs?
   And how can body, laid in that white rush,
   But feel the strange heart beating where it lies?

   A shudder in the loins engenders there
   The broken wall, the burning roof and tower
   And Agamemnon dead.

                       Being so caught up,

   So mastered by the brute blood of the air,
   Did she put on his knowledge with his power
   Before the indifferent beak could let her drop?

I know better

Do any of you use Fetlife?

I joined a few years ago myself, in the hopes of meeting people who do not exist solely on the internet. Not that I haven't had great success and fulfillment from many different types of online relationships. When I joined Fetlife I was looking for something more physical than what I'd experienced in the past.

And amazingly I was able to forge several new relationships in the land of the living through Fetlife. My hometown is very active as far as my interests go, and it was such a pleasure getting to know people my own age with similar interests - going out to drinks and having parties and generally enjoying ourselves.

I wonder though...

I received a new message in my inbox, it's from someone I don't know - this happens occasionally, and so I forged ahead to see what could possibly lay in wait for me, only to find:

wanna fuck

This is not the first message I've gotten like this, and I sincerely doubt it will be the last. The online culture of BDSM has created something of a standard for some men to browse through the demographics until they find a young woman who would be interested in spending a little quality time with them. I noticed a lot of this mindset even back when I still frequented MSN chatrooms. I find it very interesting the idea that some men (and I suppose there must be some women who fall into this as well) believe all women who are interested in this specific lifestyle would be so easily wooed by such witty turns of phrase.

I really should know better than to respond, but some days I'm just feeling a little snippy.

k: That's the best you can come up with? Really?

Mystery Man: not at all, actually when I was typing it something said to me dont.....and I am glad the way ur response was , quite appropriate . So lets start again, wz ur deal, are you new or experienced and wt kind of role play or fantasies you are here to fulfill .

I ask you, in all honesty, how could I not be taken in by such a message? It really is beyond comprehension. The conversation quickly dissolved to the point where I was informed I would need to be punished for my lack of subtlety and subsequently informed that expecting complete sentences and words to be spelled out simply was too much to ask for.

I will admit I get a certain amount of pleasure when I can carry on a conversation with people like this to the point where they finally give up. It's always interesting to me just how long some people are willing to play these things out with the hopes of that eventual fuck.

It was just not to be this time.

foundations

According to the entry dates I stopped writing here nearly two years ago. Two years. I think I am a significantly different person now than who I was then. The foundation is the same of course, I am always and will always be me, but the trappings are different now.

2009 brought a lot of troubles in the way of family my way, and it really pulled me out of any momentum I had going toward exploring myself and looking toward new experiences in my life. It was a hard year for us, but we made it - like we always do and despite the losses we experienced that year, we were stronger for them.

2010 was something of a mystery to me.

Having fallen out of patterns I'd built up for myself I felt kind of lost as I put the pieces back together from the year before. It was not without it's triumphs of course, there were a great many good things about the last year that I am very glad happened. 2010 was a year of shaping and changing for me and it's left me here at the start of 2011 not entirely sure what I am going to do with myself.

So here I am starting over again. It seems to be a bit of a habit with me, but we'll see how it goes.

Stepping out

I wonder if anyone comes across this blog anymore. Or if, perhaps, it has simply been forgotten. Not that I would blame anyone if that has been the case. I did sort of leave things on a final note when last I was here.

But I wonder.

Is there anyone out there? I've been thinking of delving back into this part of myself again, and if that is to be the case then I need a place in which to explore. And this would be my preference.

It's a new year, and I've made a lot of changes to myself, and I'm looking forward to a great deal more.

Living Life

You know, I created this blog a little less than a year ago - after a pretty heart wrenching break up with Irch. I wasn't sure who I was anymore then, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do with myself, and I wasn't sure how I was ever going to keep going.

Over the past 11 months since then, I have moved home, I been job searching tirelessly, I have continued trucking along on that grad school application I've been working on for years, I have been making friends, I have been going out, I have been learning about myself, I have been enjoying life, I have been discovering and loving and learning.

I think I can safely say now that I am my own person.

Yes I still miss Irch from time to time, but not in that 'I wish he would take me back' sort of way, and not even in that 'I miss my friend' sort of way either. We still maintain contact, though no where near the way we used to. He is still some one important in my life - but he is not my life.

But now I feel confident that I can move on, I can do the things I want to without having something in the back of my mind thinking about him.

I have a pretty good group of friends here in town, who know me - the real me, and I can talk to them when I need to and we laugh and tease and play and have fun together. I am still single, but it's not some terrible thing anymore, I'm ok with being single and I'm enjoying the things that come along with it.

And I am enjoying the chance to live a life on my own for once.

And that was the point of this blog. To move from that place of utter dejection and hurt, to move past a place where I could only see hurt and pain.

And I think over the past year or so, I have managed that. I feel good on my own, and I feel happy and excited to see where this year is going to take me.

So I'm not sure if I'm going to keep writing or not - I know I've been pretty sparse recently, but I've been going through the business of living. I'm sure to pop my head in from time to time, but for the most part I am done.

Maybe when there is something new and exciting going on I'll stop by and let you know. I want to thank everyone who has been reading with me and offering support and love over this past year. It's been good to know I haven't been alone, it's been comforting to know there are people out there who cared about me when things fell apart.

And I just wanted to take the time to say thank you, and let you know I'm living.

New Year

Well ... we're into the new year, ready to start a whole new year of experiences and things.

I'm not really one for resolutions, mostly because I don't keep the ones I make. But I want this year to be a better year. I want to spend this year having fun, and enjoying being me, being young and single and exploring things about myself that I haven't before. I want to spend this year looking for fun instead of reminding myself of past hurts. And I want to spend this year continuing to learn more about myself the way I have been the last several months.

I had a nice start to the new year, yesterday when I got to spend the evening with my friend from last week. It was a nice change of pace to go downtown for an evening, I haven't actually been down there in years. So it was fun and different and very new for me.

I am hoping this year will hold lots more fun and different experiences for me :)