Baby Steps

Well I was brave tonight.

I met new people.

I was invited to a little get together here in town by someone I'd met on fetlife. And despite my usual hemming and hawing and general anxiety about meeting new people I went. I very nearly ran away though after I got there, but I was spotted so I decided to screw up the little bit of courage I have and follow him down to meet the others.

And despite all my worry, as usual, it wasn't nearly as terrible or awful as I had expected. It was just a bunch of mostly normal people talking. And yes they were talking about kink related things off and on, they were just talking.

It was kind of neat to meet a group of kinky people in person, I've only ever been one-on-one with any one into kink before. So that was neat, and it was especially nice since it was a small group, and I didn't feel terribly overwhelmed.

So I'm taking steps. Very small ones, yes, but steps.

Sharpened Pencils

It's that time of year again. Back to school. Being at home has really brought it to the forefront with two younger siblings still working on their public education. They start back tomorrow.

It really puts into perspective for me the way time has gone by since I've moved home.

They were still in school back in May when I arrived, all my life packed into boxes. Now almost 4 months later, about 1/3 of my life has made it out of boxes and into the house, the rest is still packed away in the garage waiting for it's chance for freedom.

It's time to really start focusing on graduate school if that is what I am going to do next year. I am feeling better prepared this year than I have before, probably because I've done a lot of preparation over the last 3 years. I just need to do the actual applications and one or two other things and I'll be done.

I may not be ready to move on in some parts of my life, but this is something I've been waiting for since I graduated. This is something I wanted since I first took that literary theory class, this is something Irch wanted for me, this is something Irch has helped me strive for and this is something I know, he would be proud of me for.

And I can do this. I can get into that great school and do the things I've always wanted.

I am ready to move on toward this.

Broken little girl

I don't think I ever really grasped just how broken I've been until this week. I suppose I thought when the crying stopped I had stared putting the pieces back together. But I am so much more broken today than I ever thought I was.

Things with my new friend have come to a halt.

I'm not ready to move on, despite what I may have thought. I'm still clinging too tightly to the idea that Irch will want me back some day. He'll want me to be his again.

And I know it's stupid, I know I'm keeping myself from being happy now by holding on to something that probably won't happen again. But despite all the things I know, I can't just let that go.

I thought I could, but I'm not ready yet. He may not want it, but he still owns a part of me and I can't give myself to someone else while that part of me still belongs to him.

Not because...

Things with him are still going.

Its strange to find someone who likes me for me. I didn't think I'd find someone who did that again. It's uncanny. To go for so long thinking no one would ever do that and then suddenly there's more than one.

I think as much as I try to resist things moving forward, they are.

And that's good. I want to move on, I want to be happy, and I want to be with someone who will let me be happy with them. And I think I've found someone that I can do all that with.

I'm just so scared of it all falling apart again. Being left broken and hollow again.

How do you move on from that? From that type of pain? How do you put yourself in a position for it to all happen again?

And despite all my worries about it, I can't seem to stop myself from getting closer to him.

Something new

I met someone.

I'm not sure how things are going to end up between us. But I've met someone. And I'm entertaining the idea of things becoming something more.

It's hard, because so much of me wants to cling to any tiny bit of hope that Irch might still want me some day. And I've told him this, several times. And told him I want to go slow, because I want to know that I'm not going to slight either of us by getting involved with him.

He's also very different from anyone I've been involved with before. So it's all new and strange.

It's been so long since I've been actively pursued by someone. Years really. And it's strange getting used to that.

So we'll see what happens. We're going slow.

The sun'll come out ...

Irch and I are working on being friends again - it's slow and cautious on both our parts I think. I know it is on my part at least. Though I've told him I can't just be some small-talk email friend, we have too much history for me to be able to live being reduced to that. But we're working on it.

This week I got an email from him and I'm not going to go into all of it, but it was one of those emails that makes me wish that we were friends again - real honest to god friends. The type of friends you can call up in the middle of the night, or talk to for no reason at all. I want to be the sort of friend he can come to when he's having a difficult time.

I'm not sure if it's the masochist in me, or if it's the part of me that's always been his friend that's making this urge so strong. But it's there never the less.

So Irch, if you are stopping by occasionally. I'm still that friend when you're ready for me to be, and I'm thinking about you right now - and things will be better soon.

Old Habits

I have this habit of coming to check on the blog several times during my day. It's become all the more obvious since I've installed a little stat tracker thingie - which has also provided lots of enjoyment for me to see the different places people who stop by are from, (there's something grammatically fishy about that last sentence, but I can't put my finger on the right way to go about fixing it.).

But in anycase, I stop by a lot. I'd say at least 4 times a day. I know there's not going to be anything new - I'm not coming by looking for comments, I just sometimes expect the most recent post up to have changed at some point during the day. Magically, I guess.

I got into the habit of checking the old blog several times a day, because I was never sure when Irch would make a post and it was always a new surprise to stop by and find a new post. And now that it's just me writing, I can't seem to break myself of that habit.

It's one of many habits I can't break actually.

I am definitely a creature of habit, in a lot of things. I like what's comfortable and what's safe, and habits have a way of creating that comfort and safety level that I am constantly looking for. So when I occasionally get a stab because I've come looking for that new magic post and find the last one I wrote it throws my whole world out of whack.

But old habits are hard to break.