Let go of my hand

I don't consider myself a very independent person. I never have really - though I suppose looking back on it I've almost always been independent, forced to be in many situations.

I suppose I just like not having to be independent all the time. I like having someone around that I can depend on. It's nice, not to have to constantly be in control, when in so many areas in my life that is what I have to do.

Now to find myself without that hand to hold and gentle guidance, it feels like I am lost at sea. It's not a pleasant feeling to be tossed about by the waves daily, never sure what the morning will bring. And yet that is what I am faced with daily.

Today I had a minor crisis, and the first person who jumped into my mind to ask for help was Irch. I even started writing him before I stopped myself.

I am just not in a place right now where I can talk to him, the hurt is still too near. But where does that leave me, then?

I was, of course, able to find others to help, but it felt like second best - the one person who has been there helping me and guiding me for years, wasn't an option this time. I feel equally lost when it comes to the big changes that my life is fixing to go through.

How am I supposed to deal with all this without him?

And yet, I know I'll survive, and I'll do the things I want to do - on my own. It's just going to be hard.