Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The sun'll come out ...

Irch and I are working on being friends again - it's slow and cautious on both our parts I think. I know it is on my part at least. Though I've told him I can't just be some small-talk email friend, we have too much history for me to be able to live being reduced to that. But we're working on it.

This week I got an email from him and I'm not going to go into all of it, but it was one of those emails that makes me wish that we were friends again - real honest to god friends. The type of friends you can call up in the middle of the night, or talk to for no reason at all. I want to be the sort of friend he can come to when he's having a difficult time.

I'm not sure if it's the masochist in me, or if it's the part of me that's always been his friend that's making this urge so strong. But it's there never the less.

So Irch, if you are stopping by occasionally. I'm still that friend when you're ready for me to be, and I'm thinking about you right now - and things will be better soon.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Old Habits

I have this habit of coming to check on the blog several times during my day. It's become all the more obvious since I've installed a little stat tracker thingie - which has also provided lots of enjoyment for me to see the different places people who stop by are from, (there's something grammatically fishy about that last sentence, but I can't put my finger on the right way to go about fixing it.).

But in anycase, I stop by a lot. I'd say at least 4 times a day. I know there's not going to be anything new - I'm not coming by looking for comments, I just sometimes expect the most recent post up to have changed at some point during the day. Magically, I guess.

I got into the habit of checking the old blog several times a day, because I was never sure when Irch would make a post and it was always a new surprise to stop by and find a new post. And now that it's just me writing, I can't seem to break myself of that habit.

It's one of many habits I can't break actually.

I am definitely a creature of habit, in a lot of things. I like what's comfortable and what's safe, and habits have a way of creating that comfort and safety level that I am constantly looking for. So when I occasionally get a stab because I've come looking for that new magic post and find the last one I wrote it throws my whole world out of whack.

But old habits are hard to break.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Change of scenery

Well this past week was an interesting one for me. I ended up in this hospital on Thursday evening. After having been taken into the emergency room for something I thought was quite simple - only to end up admitted an hour later with plans for surgery the next morning.

So it completely ruined my plans to see Batman at the midnight release, which on Thursday was my biggest concern. But I was a bit tied up with lots of IV fluids and things to sneak out to see it.

It was the first time I've had to spend overnight in the hospital, and in the end I had to stay two nights, they only let me come home Saturday afternoon.

All in all I'd say it was a pretty stressful few days. There was talk of being sent to a larger hospital, of all sorts of complications, jokes made about what it could possibly be, and then there was the actual surgery, being put to sleep for the first time, having to spend the night alone in a hospital for the first time, getting no where near enough sleep, constant IVs, constant vital sign checks, and the uncomfortable hospital bed.

As they were wheeling me up from the ER to my room for the night, I took the time to text a few friends to let them know what had happened to me. Just the people I felt like should know, who wouldn't freak out horribly, but would be able to help calm me down a bit.

Irch was among those few people. He and I texted back and forth several times over these past few days, he even called me that first night to talk for a few minutes before I had to go so the tech could make sure I was still alive.

Somethings never change.

I felt better as soon as I talked to him for just a few minutes. It was just nice to be able to tell someone I was worried, and how bummed I was about missing Batman, and just do a little whining without feeling badly about it. I've always been able to do that with him, and I was glad he was there for me to do that again.

I'm home and on the mend now, armed with all sorts of pills and things to take over the next week. So I'll be completely 100% in a few days, I'm sure. And eventually I'll get around to seeing Batman.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Ps - I Love You

I've tried to stop watching romances. It still hurts - to watch a couple slowly fall in love, the way they fawn over one another. The kissing, the holding, the pillow talk. I can't watch it anymore without crying - it doesn't matter if the movie isn't a sad one, invariably I take it to that place.

The things I miss the most: Kissing, being held, and "I love you"

Romances bring all those up, don't they - it never fails, at some point you'll get some combination of the three of those ingredients. Even your romantic comedies have these. Which is unfortunate - when did most comedies turn into romantic comedies? Can't we just have funny?

I've been sticking with science fiction mostly - that's usually safe. Unless of course you get some sort of alien love thing going on, but that's usually messy enough that it's alright. Action flicks are generally alright, there's usually only mindless sex in most action flicks and I'm alright with that. And of course there are the dramas, I'm usually alright with those as well.

Of course tonight I broke my rules and watched Ps - I Love You. That was a mistake. It was just heartbreakingly beautiful and so hard to watch. It might not even have been that great of a movie, but he loved her and he told her over and over again. That's what I want, it's what I've been missing.

I could even do without the holding and the kissing, I just need to be told 'I love you' from someone other than my mother. Someone who loves me not because I'm their child, or because I'm their friend, but loves me because I am me. Because there is no one else like me and they couldn't imagine a world without me in it. And I don't know that I'll find that again, not after I was lucky enough to have it once before.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Q & A

On my last post I got a question from Oatmeal Girl over at Submission and Metaphor. It's something that I often roll around in my head so I thought rather than just reply in a comment I would make an entry out of it. So here's the question I received:

a question, though - which is a question for me, too - having tasted a D/s relationship and found it immensely fulfilling on a psychological level, i at least worry about embarking on another relationship (should that even be possible) that doesn't include that dynamic. when you explore the idea of meeting new people, do you have that in mind?

This is something I have thought about a lot, especially as I have started the slow process of meeting new people and getting out there again. Because generally, being submissive, and needing that sort of D/s dynamic in my relationship isn't something I know how to bring up casually in a conversation. Maybe someone could give me pointers on that, actually.

But I don't think it's something that most people know how to bring up casually. Especially in that time when things are new and exciting and fragile, how do you bring up something that some people might find repulsive, something they might turn their noses up at you for, or something that just isn't their kink.

So far I've only been out with people I've made aware of my predilections before we've gone out. Because I don't see the point in starting something with out that being out in the open before hand, because it's something so vital to who I am. I don't think I'd be capable of having a plain vanilla relationship anymore.

Irch used to say, he had ruined me for other men - I'm not completely certain about that just yet, but I do know that he has ruined me for any other type of relationship.

Of course, I'm the meeting people over the internet type, so my method doesn't work so well for meeting people face to face, like most normal people do I'm sure. I think the internet is a really handy tool for making sure you can get the important things out in the open before meeting someone, just to know if there is even a possibility for a connection.

So this is where I've been on this whole front, we'll see what happens later though, but so far it's had interesting results.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Stepping Forward

Despite all the emo-ness of my last few posts I have been working on moving forward, I am not completely stuck clinging to the past, and something that probably will never happen. I am trying to do new things, and meet new people and just live my life instead of living in the past.

Last night was one of my first real experiences meeting someone new. There was that whole anxiety over meeting a new person, and stepping out and doing something completely out of character for me - but I think over all things went well.

It was just dinner and lots and lots of talking and a few other things, but we won't really get into that. It was interesting, and despite starting off the evening feeling really nervous as the night went on I was able to really relax and go with the flow more than I was feeling able earlier in the night.

It was interesting to step out of my comfort zone and do something new and exciting and different. To just go for something instead of sitting around wibbling about it instead of doing anything. So if nothing else I am feeling much better in the knowledge that I can do new things, I can meet new people, and I can step out of my comfort zone and live to tell about it.