Monday, December 29, 2008

Weekened Fun

I had a rather nice weekend. Or well a rather nice Saturday night if we're going to be specific, but I'd say the whole weekend was a pretty good one. The Christmas music has mostly been put away for the next year, things are quite so hectic with preparations around here, and of course all the presents does go a long way to soothing one's bah humbug temperament.

This weekend though I got to meet a rather nice fellow. He invited me over for a home cooked meal and a movie, and really that just sounded too nice to pass up. So I took him up on his offer, despite that sick feeling I get in my stomach when it comes to meeting new people, I swallowed that down and made the short drive to his apartment.

I have to say I got a very nice welcome at his door. And things like dinner and a movie were sort of pushed back until later in the evening since we were busy enjoying one another's company for a long while.

Got to find out that face slapping is fun.

And it looks like maybe I'll get to see him again this up coming weekend. We shall see. More details to follow and such. But this was a very nice way to end the year and hopefully a good way to start off the new.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Christmas Again

I can't believe it's Christmas again - it's almost next year already, just how did that happen, I ask you?

As far as years go, this one hasn't been the best, all that stuff with Irch aside, I haven't accomplished all the things I set out to do over the past year, I am pretty much the same person today that I was last Christmas. Apart from the spending last Christmas alone, and being single this year.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about this time last year recently. Which is generally not the best idea for me. This time last year, I was gearing up to fly out to California to visit Irch for New Years. I was thinking just how excited I was for the new year, for all the new and exciting things that were going to happen. It's just interesting the way things work out - the best laid plans and all that.

For Christmas this year, all I am hoping for is a better year than the last. To be content and happy with myself and my life.

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday, which ever you may celebrate and I look forward to sharing this next year with you all.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Homecoming

Well I am back from Indianaland. It was so cold, my poor little Texas self didn't know if I was going to survive the entire trip at some points. But there was snow! And that was pretty great. I think I shall forever be one of those Texans who goes giddy at the sight of snow. It actually snowed here in Texas last night which was amazing and wonderful as well :D

The trip was long and we did all the driving in one go so that was pretty hard too. And unfortunately I didn't get to meet up with my old friend while I was up that way - he was having car troubles. So sadly no new stories, at least not any that have anything to do with him.

There may be someone new in my future, but we'll just have to wait and see about that. I'm sure for the time being I have some older stories I can pull back up to the sunlight.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Still kicking

It's been a little while since I've done anything much over here.

Things are still rolling along at their usual slower than comfortable pace, but that is ok for the time being. Especially with the holiday season descending upon us. I can't believe it is practically December, it feels like just a few days ago it was March, and now here we are all the way in December.

I'm not ready for it to be this last in the year already.

Thanksgiving is over and done with. I was sick this year, so that was disappointing, and now I am preparing for a trip up to Indiana in a few days. And I just might get to see an old friend of mine, which will mean plenty of new stories if he and I manage to see one another again.

So I hope you all will have a wonderful holiday season and I should be around with more stories when I return from my trip.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

sub culture

As part of my getting involved and meeting new people plan, I joined a local group for submissive types. They have a meeting once a month, so I've only gone to one so far. Though this month I missed the meeting.

The topic this month was one I thought I could have really contributed to too, so I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to go. So I wrote up some of my feelings on the matter and added it to the mailing list and since I seem to be a little quiet recently I thought I would copy it here.

"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or, you will be taught how to fly." -Patrick Overton

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." -Alexander Graham Bell


I think the quote provided this month are particularly fitting. Earlier this year, the relationship that I was in ended, and I guess you could call that a release - though it was no where as cut and dry as something as that might have been. But I went from one day knowing who I was and to whom I belong and then the next day suddenly everything was upside down.

I've spent the last several months trying to put myself back together after that release and it hasn't been an easy process. For so long I identified as belonging to this person. I wasn't just k, I was His k and belonging to him was something that suffused every part of my life right down to the most mundane things.

I think the hardest part for me has been moving away from that mentality, and moving on to define myself as my own person. I think more than in vanilla relationships, and even more so from the s-type side of things, we identify ourselves based on our relationships, and then when that relationship is suddenly gone how do you identify yourself? Because you've not only lost the person that you loved, but you've also lost that part that you use to identify yourself.

So I've been rebuilding, from the ground up, to learn how to identify myself through only myself. Because if I can't do that, then I'm not ready to move on and I'm certainly not ready to belong to someone else because as long as I'm still clinging to that bit of identity I had in that relationship I am still owned in part - even if I've been released.

So that's my challenge. And I am working now on getting to know myself better so I'll be ready when that next door is open.

Monday, November 3, 2008

The way of things

So as you all know I've been working on getting involved in the local kink community over the past few months. And from my point of view it's been going pretty durn well.

This past week at our little weekly get together there were two new people who stopped by, both very new to the local scene too. For me it's a bit strange to hear about people who are brand new to the scene stuff and in that first week they'll go to 3 different parties and play with all sorts of people and try all these new things.

I can't imagine doing that, I mean I have a hard enough time branching out from the things I already do. I'm still working my way up to parties - I'd liked to go at least once to see what they're like.

I think my big problem with all of this is having no one to go with. I wouldn't be so deathly shy if I had someone there to hold my hand while trying all these new things. But I've been taking my time to make friends so I'll have someone there I can hide behind if I suddenly discover that this big ol' world of kink is just too scary for me.

It's just interesting to see the different routes people take through all of this.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Too much information?

I wonder sometimes if what Harry said, in When Harry Met Sally, is actually true. That men and women can't be friends because the man always wants to have sex with the woman. I wonder if that means that a man who doesn't want to have sex with a particular woman can't be friends with that woman?

Irch and I have been keeping up a tentative email relationship over the past few months. We exchange an email ever 1 or 2 weeks. It's a big change from the nearly constant communication we had while we were together and even when we were "just friends."

In the last email he sent me, Irch decided he wanted to be honest with me and let me know that he was dating again.

And for all the months I've been working through being dumped and trying to be just his friend and not really sure where I stand with him - Part of me wanted to go right back to where I was when I was falling apart all the time. I'm not sure I needed to know he was dating again - because not only is it sort of a sign that things between us are never going to go back to the way I might fantasize about, but there must have been something wrong with me that he couldn't date me but he can date whoever it is he is dating now.

And it just makes me wonder - throughout the course of our friendship, there has always been a mutual sexual attraction, now whether or not we were able to act on that or not varied a lot over the years. But now it seems that the attraction is not so mutual?

In any case it seems like if we're going to make this friendship thing work, it's going to have to be done without that attraction. Though I don't know if I am up for that. Can you go from years of wanting a person to suddenly nothing? When there is so much history there?

I'm not sure we can do it, to tell you the truth. Our relationship has been so much about the flirting and teasing and all those things that go along with wanting someone, that I don't know what to do now without them. Sure, we have things in common besides that basic want, but based on our current communications I'm just not so sure it's enough.

I started this post with some idea of what I wanted to say, that was a few days ago now, and I seem to have lost the original point of this. Suffice it to say - no matter how much you think you're over someone they can always prove you wrong. And I do know that it's going to be hard being friends with someone I'm still clinging to in the way that I still cling to Irch, even though it's in such a small way.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

You take me

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

'Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

'Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Busy Busy Busy

Today, was an unusually busy day. Along with the myriad of things I do during my day to day life, there was that weekly Tuesday night get together. Though I skipped last week - I just have this thing about driving in the rain. Tonight was a good one though, there were lots of laughs and a pretty large turnout.

I am very much enjoying being a part of this group. It's nice to feel like I am making friends who whom I can be honest and open about the total person I am, and not just parts of the person I am the way I am with most of my friends.

Once that was over, I headed home. Only once I got there I got a message from a friend of mine, T. He will say hi every so often. He is one of the guys I met through craigslist a few months back. And tonight we had a little conversation, that went something like this:

T: hey you
k: hey
T: how's it goin?
k: not too bad, just got in .. how about you?
T: I'm doing okay...
T: so what were you up to this evening?
k: not a whole lot, i was hanging out with friends a little earlier
T: fun fun
T: so is your evening over or do you think it might last a little longer?
k: i'm not really sure yet
T: oh yeah?
k: yep
T: cool
T: anything I can do to help you make up your mind or are were you talking about someone else?
k: no one else at the moment
T: well then - would you like to come on over and get a spanking?
k: lol well when you say it like that
What's a girl to do when she gets a proposition like that, I ask ya?

So of course I went over to get a spanking, and goodness what a spanking it was. I won't deny that I am submissive through and through, nor will I deny my love of blow jobs. But when it comes right down to it - I love being spanked.

It's what introduced me to this whole crazy world of kink in the first place, and I still get weak in the knees at just the thought of a good spanking. The majority of my fantasies revolve around some form of spanking - it's just what really does it for me.

And I got a pretty durn good spanking tonight, I can still feel it as I sit here typing this up. I can only hope that feeling lasts throughout the night and into tomorrow.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Snapshot #4

"Put your feet on the floor and bend over the bed." He said suddenly.

It caught me by surprise. He'd only just let me start sucking his cock, and much too soon for my liking he was telling me to stand up again, to bend over and spread my ass again. This was really far too many times in one night for such a thing, in my opinion.

But there I was, my face pressed into the sheets - in embarrassment, leaning over the edge of his bed waiting for who knows what.

And then there was something cold pressing against me, working itself inside me. And just as soon it was good, only to be replaced by something larger suddenly pushed into me without warning or explanation.

"Don't drop that."

How does one not drop a plug? I had no idea, I'd never done anything like that before. And yet here I was, bent over his bed, with a bright red plug thrust into my ass.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fingers crossed.

It's been raining a lot these past few days. Pouring actually. We haven't had this much rain in ages. It's been that nice sort of rain, warm and without thunder. Of course it leaves me wanting to lounge around and be lazy all day. It looks like it will be a few days still before all this rain clears up.

Though the sun was out this morning. Just enough to warm my skin as I ran a few errands around town, and remind me that an end will come to all this rain.

I've never been a huge fan of rain - I do like the warm spring showers, especially when the sun is still out. It's those big storms, the ones with thunder that shake the whole house that bother me. I find myself more often than not doing my darnedest to keep myself occupied with anything that will keep my mind off the rain and the thunder and lightening.

Luckily we haven't had any of that sort of rain recently. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it'll stay that way.

It seems the power of fingers crossed is doing pretty great things these days. I got my results back from the biopsy this morning. And things came back negative.

I was doing my best to keep thinking that of course things were going to come back negative. I'm still just a kid, all things considered, and there was no way I could have cancer. But still there was that worry in the back of my mind, that maybe I really could.

But I can put all that behind me now - things are fine. I am fine. And as I thought there was no way I could have cancer.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Upcoming

So earlier this summer, back when I had that fun little trip to the ER which turned into a full blown hospital stay with surgery, they did a CT scan while I was in the emergency room. Just to check and see what the problem I was having was. During the course of that scan they noticed something.

They thought they saw some nodules on my thyroid and suggested I see an endocrinologist when I was feeling better. I got around to seeing the endocrinologist and they had me get all sorts of blood work done and an ultrasound so they could get a better idea of what we were dealing with.

This past week I had a follow-up appointment with the endocrinologist, to let me know what they had found in my lab work. It turns out I have two nodules on my thyroid of a worrying size. And so they want to me to have a biopsy.

Turns out nodules on your thyroid over 2cm in size have a slight chance of being malignant. And so that same day my doctor scheduled a biopsy for me. Just so we could make sure that the nodules weren't cancerous.

So tomorrow morning, I'll be headed up to the hospital. And then I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that the nodules turn out to be benign. Otherwise we'll get to schedule yet another surgery and I can tell you right now I am not a fan of surgery.

So keep your fingers crossed with me.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

A little break

I thought about doing another snapshot post, since it's been a while since I posted the last one. Though I'm having trouble framing out the next one. They are all snippets of actual experiences of mine - though from a few months ago. I haven't been lucky enough to have anything like that recently.

Things have been slowly chugging along recently. I am still going to those Tuesday night get-togethers, and last week I even braved a meeting of a local subs group. That was new and interesting and fun.

I am feeling more and more comfortable with myself these days. It's a new and exciting thing to be my own person - to feel at home in my skin. I am still in the process of getting to know myself and all that entails, whatever that may be, but I am enjoying the process - and I am looking forward to more.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Toby


I got Toby in December of this past year. A few weeks before Christmas. My girlfriend took me to Petsmart because they had a lot of cats available for adoption. She showed me this one - his name was Peaches at the time. He was the oldest cat there, 5 years according to his paperwork, and he was beautiful. He seemed a little skittish, but lovable all the same.

I ended up getting him on a whim - I couldn't really afford the adoption fee, or the price of keeping up with a cat, but my friend said she'd help. And I'd been wanting a cat. So I brought him home. The first thing he did was climb right into the fireplace to try and hide when we let him out of the box they'd provided for us.

He spent much of the next few days hiding under my bed, only coming out to eat. Eventually though he got braver, and began exploring the apartment. Checking out my roommate's dog, and generally taking the place over.

He loved my bed, he slept their during the day, and then slept their with me at night, claiming my head as his favorite sleeping spot. He was so funny, chasing his tail in ways I'd only ever seen dogs do, and winning over everyone who met him.

Toby was there to comfort me when things with Irch fell apart. He let me hold him too tightly and cry with him. He rubbed against me and purred and lay with me night after night giving me something to hold on to.

A few months later, I had to move. Toby came with me, of course. In my new home there were 2 other cats Toby had to get used to. It was a rough transition. He wasn't used to the other cats and they weren't used to him. Slowly but surely boundaries were established and things appeared to be settling down.

Over the course of the past few months, it looked like Toby began putting on weight, his stomach expanding so he looked pregnant. Recently we noticed he'd stopped eating, and despite the girth around his middle he felt too thin.

We took Toby to the vet this morning, not really sure what the problem was. Thinking it was something small and hopefully easily fixed. The vet of course told us differently, and after a few diagnostic tests we decided on Organ Failure. His Liver most likely, and it was leaking into his abdomen giving him that pregnant look.

He went over the few things we could try to help him, but he told us anything we did would only be temporarily prolonging Toby's life. In the end the prognosis was the same. And so all we needed to decide was if we were going to put him through a few more hard weeks trying to make him stay with us or let him go today while he wasn't hurting.

I've never had to put down an animal before. I stayed with him while the Doctor injected the anesthesia, petted him and stroked his fur, comforting him like he'd done for me so many times, until his heart stopped and his chest stopped rising and falling and he was gone.

I had Toby for less than a year, but he was a good cat, he put up with so much, and I just hope I was able to make his last months good and comfortable. I love him so much, I just didn't want him to hurt.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Snapshot #3

There is something very interesting about a leash. I've never actually worn on until that night - and I haven't had the pleasure since. It felt a little strange just hanging there - I think the sensation was heightened by my being naked, but I don't know for sure. I don't think it started to feel right until he told me to put it in my mouth when he had me crawl to him.

It was strange how in that moment of change it went to some weird thing dangling from this collar I was wearing - to a real leash. I carried it to him and he took it from me and held it, while I knelt there beside his chair.

I've never before been so completely aware of myself as I knelt there. We just continued talking like we had been earlier.

He dropped the leash on the floor and had me turn to face the wall, while he moved to the couch behind me.

"Put your shoulders on the ground and spread your ass for me."

Now came a longer moment of hesitation than the one that had come when he'd told me to strip. I don't know that I'd ever been that expose to anyone before. But after what must have been only a moment I lowered myself so my shoulders were on the carpet and reached back to do as he'd asked.

I can only imagine the shade of red my face was in that moment. But I focused myself on breathing and listening to him. He didn't say anything for a while, just sat there staring as I exposed myself.

"Sit up and put the leash back in your mouth and come over here."

I got up on my knees again reaching for the leash, "You will only ever use your mouth to pick up the leash again, do you understand."

"Yes, Sir."

And I leaned down once more to pick up the leash with my teeth before I turned and crawled to him, offering it once more.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Snapshot #2

"Do you think if I told you to suck my cock, you would?" He looked at me expectantly.

The question had come out of the blue. We were talking about something else completely and it caught me off guard. "I don't know."

"I don't know is not an answer."

'I don't know' is my fall back response. The thing I say when my thoughts get too complicated, when I don't want to admit to something I really do want, when I'm feeling embarrassed. Sometimes I say it before I've even had a chance to think through the question. It's almost an automatic response in some places.

"Do you think if I told you to suck my cock, right now, you would?"

"I think I probably would."

"I think you would too."

And just like that the thought was in my mind, stuck there - waiting - prodding at me every so often as we continued to talk. Because, I like that. I'll admit that it happens to be one of my favorite things to do.

That thought sat there, niggling in the back of mind, wondering if he was going to tell me to suck his cock. If it would be just another out of the blue moments, like his initial question. Or if it would come later, as part of something else.

'I don't know' came out of my mouth a lot more often after that question.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Snapshot #1

He handed me a hood and told me to put it on - this was a test, so he could see just how submissive I really was. I pulled it over my head, adjusting it so I could see and my mouth was unobstructed. It wasn't nearly as terrible as I thought it would be, I could still see fine and breathing wasn't a problem ... it was just a little warm.

He had me move to the ottoman, back arched facing away from him. He'd gone into the bedroom for a few minutes and returned with a collar. He wrapped it around my neck, going to far as to lock it in place.

"Do you feel that?"

He had me raise my hand to feel the lock that secured the collar around my neck. I hadn't actually realized he'd locked it in place until that moment. And I'd started to wonder just what I was getting myself into.

After a few more minutes talking he told me to strip, he pointed to a spot on the floor where I could lay my clothes and then kneel when I was finished. There was only a moment's hesitation before I was standing up and moving to the spot. It was interesting how quickly a dinner date had turned into this.

I knelt on the floor and he handed me a leash and told me to clip it to one of the rings on the collar.

I lay my clothes on the floor one piece at a time until I was completely naked except for the hood and collar. He had me crawl to him, the leash in my mouth so I could kneel beside his chair. And we talked - just like we had been earlier, though I'd been clothed and seated in a chair across from his earlier.

"Are you nervous?"

"A little."

"Do you like this?"

"Yes."

Of all the things that were going through my head right then, that I liked this was the one thing I was certain of, and I wanted to see what else we would do.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

The Quiet Ones

Throughout my life, I've always been the good child. I did my homework and got it turned in on time, I was a girl scout all the way through high school, I spent time with the grown ups rather than running around screaming with the rest of the kids.

I've always felt more at home with the quieter pursuits of my time. I like things like reading, and writing - I feel most comfortable in those sorts of places.

This summer has been about moving myself outside of my comfort zones.

It started with craigslist, because well I didn't know about anything else. I actually met 2 men through craigslist. And both were very much outside of my comfort zone - but I found that I enjoyed it. It was a bit of a rush, meeting someone new, doing something so completely out of character like that.

I had one of the most frank conversations of my adult life with a man I met through craigslist - He and I still talk in emails, though we haven't gotten around to spending more time together.

And now these days I've joined fetlife, and I've meet even more people. People who are funny and charming and surprisingly very easy to spend time with. And I've enjoyed my time with them very much.

But I'm the quiet one, even with all these new experiences and new steps I've been taking I'm still the shy quiet girl I always was - just maybe a little braver than I used to be. I don't want to feel like I am becoming something other than myself.

And it's nice to see that so far, I've been able to do that, with a very real sense of myself while trying all these new things. And it's just confirmation that these things I desire and fantasize about they're all part of me they're just waiting to be realized - and that's sort of exciting.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Kinkier?

So I was talking with an ex last night, I've been calling him regularly to talk about these Tuesday get-togethers I've been going to. Since he's about the only person I can actually talk to about all these things I've been getting into recently.

He made mention of the fact that the people who I've been hanging out with are so much more kinky than I am. It's been something I've been thinking about today, and I'm not sure I agree.

And sure they certainly have more kinky experience than I do, but does one need experience to be kinky?

I just haven't been given the opportunity to try out all the sordid things my dirty little mind comes up with yet. But I am working on it. And that's what part of all this new self-discovery and bravely meeting new people is all about. I am working on finding a way to try out some of the things that, up to now, have only ever been a part of my fantasies.

In all my relationships thus far, they've mostly stayed well within the range of sensual Dominance and submission with a spanking thrown in every now and then. And I've been wildly happy with that, and I think I still could be completely happy with that - but I am on my own for the first time in over six years. This is my chance to step out of my comfort zone, to try new things, to try the things I've thought about for years.

I want to see if the things that make my toes curl and my breath speed up just thinking about them have that same effect when actually experienced. I want to try those things for myself while I have the opportunity.

And this is the time.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Your kink is ok, but not you

It's an interesting thing - being snubbed.

We in this sort of lifestyle, so many of us pride ourselves on being so accepting and tolerant of our different kinks. Apparently that tolerance doesn't extend to other people.

I think it's especially harsh in that it came in a place where I had started to feel safe, and where I was starting to feel like I could open up and be myself and not have to really worry about what the other people there were going to think.

But to suddenly have this new person show up - who of course isn't really new, just new to me - and to not even bother returning my greeting, and making a point to move away from me when I'd sat near, and then ignoring me the whole night. Well it's just sort of one of those things that makes me want to not go back.

I'm sure I will go back, simply because while this new person obviously doesn't care for me, I haven't felt any sort of passive aggressive hostilities from any of the other members of the group, but then again maybe I'm just that oblivious.

It was just frustrating. And despite all the rejections I've had over the years, being snubbed like that never feels good, even when it's by a complete stranger.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Who am I?

This is something I've been struggling with a lot recently. Who am I?

For the longest time, years, since 2005, I've identified myself through my relationship with Irch. I've been his girl, his slave, his slut... and even before then when remembering myself, I was his friend.

It's been such a long time, since I've identified myself as me. As a person independent from Irch. These last 6 months, I've been the girl who is getting over Irch. Still defined by him and his influence.

I'm only just starting to see that, and only just starting to pull away from that.

I'm more than just the girl that Irch decided he didn't want to be with anymore. And I'm more than the girl who is trying to put her life back together without him in it.

I am the quiet one, the listener, the shy one, the watcher, the new girl, and so many other things.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Unless you're Jack

So I've been going to these weekly meetings, though meetings really seems to formal a word for them. It's just a group of like-minded folks getting together to laugh, joke, and talk every week. It's been exciting and fun and so different to join these people for the last 2 weeks. And I've talked about that some in my recently posts.

I'm on a bit of a journey of self-discovery these days. I have slowly been doing my best to learn more about myself - about the things I like and perhaps don't like.

Despite the relationships I've had in the past, I feel like I don't have much real experience when it comes to the realm of bdsm. Or more to the point all my experience thus far has been by and large contained in the realm of the sensual. I've yet to really break into the physical, the world of torment and and play, those are relatively uncharted waters for me.

I met a man this summer, one of my many attempts at being brave during this slow period of self-discovery and taking new steps. We had what was probably one of the most frank conversations I've ever had about my sexuality, my experiences, my views on bdsm, and the things I might want to try in the future. But he made it glaringly obvious that compared to most I am completely inexperienced in most areas of this so called lifestyle.

In this weekly group, they've made mention of a rule by which they all generally like to abide.

My kink is ok, and your kink is ok.

Seems pretty obvious at first glance, I like to think one part of this little lifestyle in which we all like to live, is that we're pretty tolerant of one another. Though of course there are plenty of exceptions to the rule. But the more I've thought about it the more I realize that I haven't really been living like that.

I'm more of a your kink is ok, my kink is not good enough type of person. Though that's something I've been working on. Accepting myself and the things I like, of course that's what this whole process of self-discovery and awareness is all about.

I'm on the path toward really believing that my kink is ok, the things I want and dream about they're ok and they don't make me some weird little girl for desiring them. I may be weird in other ways, but at least when it comes to my kinks I'm ok.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Another step forward

So I've gone to another get together with the folks I met last week.

And as you can see I've survived once again, I'm beginning to think I may survive every time I go. Guess I'll just have to keep going to find out for sure.

It's been fun going to these little get-togethers. I like spending time with real people, and yes it's still taking me time to get used to the idea of talking about kink out loud, I have a feeling spending time with people who do can only help with that.

It's nice to laugh, and to just spend time with people who are genuinely funny and fun to be with. And yes I don't do a lot of talking, mostly just laughing and nodding my head - which I'm sure is giving them all a wonderful opinion of me - it is still a step for me.


And there will be a job interview later this week, I think these changes are going to be helping out a lot in this big reconstruction of myself I've been working on recently. And who knows, maybe soon there will be some new ground to step out on to.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Baby Steps

Well I was brave tonight.

I met new people.

I was invited to a little get together here in town by someone I'd met on fetlife. And despite my usual hemming and hawing and general anxiety about meeting new people I went. I very nearly ran away though after I got there, but I was spotted so I decided to screw up the little bit of courage I have and follow him down to meet the others.

And despite all my worry, as usual, it wasn't nearly as terrible or awful as I had expected. It was just a bunch of mostly normal people talking. And yes they were talking about kink related things off and on, they were just talking.

It was kind of neat to meet a group of kinky people in person, I've only ever been one-on-one with any one into kink before. So that was neat, and it was especially nice since it was a small group, and I didn't feel terribly overwhelmed.

So I'm taking steps. Very small ones, yes, but steps.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Sharpened Pencils

It's that time of year again. Back to school. Being at home has really brought it to the forefront with two younger siblings still working on their public education. They start back tomorrow.

It really puts into perspective for me the way time has gone by since I've moved home.

They were still in school back in May when I arrived, all my life packed into boxes. Now almost 4 months later, about 1/3 of my life has made it out of boxes and into the house, the rest is still packed away in the garage waiting for it's chance for freedom.

It's time to really start focusing on graduate school if that is what I am going to do next year. I am feeling better prepared this year than I have before, probably because I've done a lot of preparation over the last 3 years. I just need to do the actual applications and one or two other things and I'll be done.

I may not be ready to move on in some parts of my life, but this is something I've been waiting for since I graduated. This is something I wanted since I first took that literary theory class, this is something Irch wanted for me, this is something Irch has helped me strive for and this is something I know, he would be proud of me for.

And I can do this. I can get into that great school and do the things I've always wanted.

I am ready to move on toward this.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Broken little girl

I don't think I ever really grasped just how broken I've been until this week. I suppose I thought when the crying stopped I had stared putting the pieces back together. But I am so much more broken today than I ever thought I was.

Things with my new friend have come to a halt.

I'm not ready to move on, despite what I may have thought. I'm still clinging too tightly to the idea that Irch will want me back some day. He'll want me to be his again.

And I know it's stupid, I know I'm keeping myself from being happy now by holding on to something that probably won't happen again. But despite all the things I know, I can't just let that go.

I thought I could, but I'm not ready yet. He may not want it, but he still owns a part of me and I can't give myself to someone else while that part of me still belongs to him.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Not because...

Things with him are still going.

Its strange to find someone who likes me for me. I didn't think I'd find someone who did that again. It's uncanny. To go for so long thinking no one would ever do that and then suddenly there's more than one.

I think as much as I try to resist things moving forward, they are.

And that's good. I want to move on, I want to be happy, and I want to be with someone who will let me be happy with them. And I think I've found someone that I can do all that with.

I'm just so scared of it all falling apart again. Being left broken and hollow again.

How do you move on from that? From that type of pain? How do you put yourself in a position for it to all happen again?

And despite all my worries about it, I can't seem to stop myself from getting closer to him.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Something new

I met someone.

I'm not sure how things are going to end up between us. But I've met someone. And I'm entertaining the idea of things becoming something more.

It's hard, because so much of me wants to cling to any tiny bit of hope that Irch might still want me some day. And I've told him this, several times. And told him I want to go slow, because I want to know that I'm not going to slight either of us by getting involved with him.

He's also very different from anyone I've been involved with before. So it's all new and strange.

It's been so long since I've been actively pursued by someone. Years really. And it's strange getting used to that.

So we'll see what happens. We're going slow.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The sun'll come out ...

Irch and I are working on being friends again - it's slow and cautious on both our parts I think. I know it is on my part at least. Though I've told him I can't just be some small-talk email friend, we have too much history for me to be able to live being reduced to that. But we're working on it.

This week I got an email from him and I'm not going to go into all of it, but it was one of those emails that makes me wish that we were friends again - real honest to god friends. The type of friends you can call up in the middle of the night, or talk to for no reason at all. I want to be the sort of friend he can come to when he's having a difficult time.

I'm not sure if it's the masochist in me, or if it's the part of me that's always been his friend that's making this urge so strong. But it's there never the less.

So Irch, if you are stopping by occasionally. I'm still that friend when you're ready for me to be, and I'm thinking about you right now - and things will be better soon.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Old Habits

I have this habit of coming to check on the blog several times during my day. It's become all the more obvious since I've installed a little stat tracker thingie - which has also provided lots of enjoyment for me to see the different places people who stop by are from, (there's something grammatically fishy about that last sentence, but I can't put my finger on the right way to go about fixing it.).

But in anycase, I stop by a lot. I'd say at least 4 times a day. I know there's not going to be anything new - I'm not coming by looking for comments, I just sometimes expect the most recent post up to have changed at some point during the day. Magically, I guess.

I got into the habit of checking the old blog several times a day, because I was never sure when Irch would make a post and it was always a new surprise to stop by and find a new post. And now that it's just me writing, I can't seem to break myself of that habit.

It's one of many habits I can't break actually.

I am definitely a creature of habit, in a lot of things. I like what's comfortable and what's safe, and habits have a way of creating that comfort and safety level that I am constantly looking for. So when I occasionally get a stab because I've come looking for that new magic post and find the last one I wrote it throws my whole world out of whack.

But old habits are hard to break.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Change of scenery

Well this past week was an interesting one for me. I ended up in this hospital on Thursday evening. After having been taken into the emergency room for something I thought was quite simple - only to end up admitted an hour later with plans for surgery the next morning.

So it completely ruined my plans to see Batman at the midnight release, which on Thursday was my biggest concern. But I was a bit tied up with lots of IV fluids and things to sneak out to see it.

It was the first time I've had to spend overnight in the hospital, and in the end I had to stay two nights, they only let me come home Saturday afternoon.

All in all I'd say it was a pretty stressful few days. There was talk of being sent to a larger hospital, of all sorts of complications, jokes made about what it could possibly be, and then there was the actual surgery, being put to sleep for the first time, having to spend the night alone in a hospital for the first time, getting no where near enough sleep, constant IVs, constant vital sign checks, and the uncomfortable hospital bed.

As they were wheeling me up from the ER to my room for the night, I took the time to text a few friends to let them know what had happened to me. Just the people I felt like should know, who wouldn't freak out horribly, but would be able to help calm me down a bit.

Irch was among those few people. He and I texted back and forth several times over these past few days, he even called me that first night to talk for a few minutes before I had to go so the tech could make sure I was still alive.

Somethings never change.

I felt better as soon as I talked to him for just a few minutes. It was just nice to be able to tell someone I was worried, and how bummed I was about missing Batman, and just do a little whining without feeling badly about it. I've always been able to do that with him, and I was glad he was there for me to do that again.

I'm home and on the mend now, armed with all sorts of pills and things to take over the next week. So I'll be completely 100% in a few days, I'm sure. And eventually I'll get around to seeing Batman.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Ps - I Love You

I've tried to stop watching romances. It still hurts - to watch a couple slowly fall in love, the way they fawn over one another. The kissing, the holding, the pillow talk. I can't watch it anymore without crying - it doesn't matter if the movie isn't a sad one, invariably I take it to that place.

The things I miss the most: Kissing, being held, and "I love you"

Romances bring all those up, don't they - it never fails, at some point you'll get some combination of the three of those ingredients. Even your romantic comedies have these. Which is unfortunate - when did most comedies turn into romantic comedies? Can't we just have funny?

I've been sticking with science fiction mostly - that's usually safe. Unless of course you get some sort of alien love thing going on, but that's usually messy enough that it's alright. Action flicks are generally alright, there's usually only mindless sex in most action flicks and I'm alright with that. And of course there are the dramas, I'm usually alright with those as well.

Of course tonight I broke my rules and watched Ps - I Love You. That was a mistake. It was just heartbreakingly beautiful and so hard to watch. It might not even have been that great of a movie, but he loved her and he told her over and over again. That's what I want, it's what I've been missing.

I could even do without the holding and the kissing, I just need to be told 'I love you' from someone other than my mother. Someone who loves me not because I'm their child, or because I'm their friend, but loves me because I am me. Because there is no one else like me and they couldn't imagine a world without me in it. And I don't know that I'll find that again, not after I was lucky enough to have it once before.

Monday, July 7, 2008

Q & A

On my last post I got a question from Oatmeal Girl over at Submission and Metaphor. It's something that I often roll around in my head so I thought rather than just reply in a comment I would make an entry out of it. So here's the question I received:

a question, though - which is a question for me, too - having tasted a D/s relationship and found it immensely fulfilling on a psychological level, i at least worry about embarking on another relationship (should that even be possible) that doesn't include that dynamic. when you explore the idea of meeting new people, do you have that in mind?

This is something I have thought about a lot, especially as I have started the slow process of meeting new people and getting out there again. Because generally, being submissive, and needing that sort of D/s dynamic in my relationship isn't something I know how to bring up casually in a conversation. Maybe someone could give me pointers on that, actually.

But I don't think it's something that most people know how to bring up casually. Especially in that time when things are new and exciting and fragile, how do you bring up something that some people might find repulsive, something they might turn their noses up at you for, or something that just isn't their kink.

So far I've only been out with people I've made aware of my predilections before we've gone out. Because I don't see the point in starting something with out that being out in the open before hand, because it's something so vital to who I am. I don't think I'd be capable of having a plain vanilla relationship anymore.

Irch used to say, he had ruined me for other men - I'm not completely certain about that just yet, but I do know that he has ruined me for any other type of relationship.

Of course, I'm the meeting people over the internet type, so my method doesn't work so well for meeting people face to face, like most normal people do I'm sure. I think the internet is a really handy tool for making sure you can get the important things out in the open before meeting someone, just to know if there is even a possibility for a connection.

So this is where I've been on this whole front, we'll see what happens later though, but so far it's had interesting results.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Stepping Forward

Despite all the emo-ness of my last few posts I have been working on moving forward, I am not completely stuck clinging to the past, and something that probably will never happen. I am trying to do new things, and meet new people and just live my life instead of living in the past.

Last night was one of my first real experiences meeting someone new. There was that whole anxiety over meeting a new person, and stepping out and doing something completely out of character for me - but I think over all things went well.

It was just dinner and lots and lots of talking and a few other things, but we won't really get into that. It was interesting, and despite starting off the evening feeling really nervous as the night went on I was able to really relax and go with the flow more than I was feeling able earlier in the night.

It was interesting to step out of my comfort zone and do something new and exciting and different. To just go for something instead of sitting around wibbling about it instead of doing anything. So if nothing else I am feeling much better in the knowledge that I can do new things, I can meet new people, and I can step out of my comfort zone and live to tell about it.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Emailing

So Irch and I have been emailing back and forth recently. After wibbling and wobbling about emailing him that first time, I managed to make a response. And since then we've been emailing slowly, not anything very special, mostly just how's your day and we did a little catching up for all that time that we didn't talk.

It's been strange - to go from being friends for years, and then lovers and then to not talking and now we're tentatively starting things up again. It's a bit like starting over but we both still know everything about one another.

It is hard, I feel like I don't know what to say to him anymore, what is off limits, what's fair game.

The one thing though, is I'm always left wanting more. I want to talk to him more, to hear his voice again, to be able to use messenger again, or even more frequent emails. And I don't know if that's good for me or not. If I should just cut myself off, because I'm always going to hope there could be more, or if it's worth trying to be friends so I don't have to say good-bye to so many years of friendship.

I just really don't want to lose my best friend, again.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

PostSecret.com

I saw this tonight, and I wished so badly it was for me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over him.


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Continued Complications

A while back I emailed Irch. And I got back a reply which wasn't really what I had hoped for in reaching out to him, and I thought that would be the end of it. But you know how these things go - the end never comes easily or the way you think it will.

I got another email from Irch this week, and I really wasn't sure what to do with it. I think it was the sort of email I had been hoping for the first time around - but truth be told, I'm not really even sure what I was looking for then.

So things have been interesting since then, I had a lot of debating on whether or not I was even going to reply in the first place, and then when I'd made up my mind what was I going to say, and what did it all mean, and what were the hidden meanings in what he was saying and my mind just went to town on this one.

I'm still waiting to hear back, I've given up the hope of any secret meanings beyond what's there in black and white, and I've got my mom and best friend on standby should this blow up in my face and land me back where I was a few months ago. Because I'm finally at a point where thinking about what happened doesn't send me into a fit of emo depression and tears, and I'd rather not go back to that.

So as usual, it looks like all I can do is wait.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Dating?

Can I tell you all about my phobia of meeting new people? I hate it, I dread it, I am loathed to do it. I hate meeting new people - if I could just live in a world with people I already know for the rest of my life, well I'd be one happy camper.

Of course that doesn't fit with my plan to, move to a strange city, and go to graduate school, and maybe perhaps one sunny day in the future - teach college students. But trust me, if there was a way that I could do all of this without meeting anyone new, I would jump at it in a heart-beat.

This whole, meeting new people thing, I've been trying recently... It's slow goings.

I've loved the getting to know someone through emails phase, I've even gotten over my phone phobia to talk to people on the phone, but to actually meet up in person, for a drink, a dinner, a movie, a coffee - I'm going in the opposite direction when it comes to that.

Of course it doesn't help that I avoid doing things where I don't get those comfort phases of email and phone time to get to know a person - So things in trying-new-things-land are interesting to say the least.

Things are still progressing though, despite my inability to be a grown-up about some things. And we shall just have to wait and see how they develop in the future.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Stepping out

Things have been busy for me recently - which has been a nice change.

I've started to get a few responses for several new job opportunities. I've gotten to spend some time with my friends, and I've even met some new people. A few of which are very intriguing.

Things are still very new, we're just getting to know each other now, but I haven't ever really done anything like this before - so I'm taking things slowly. But it's kind of nice, starting something new and different.

I'm not sure what will come of any of this, but I'm moving forward and taking that first step.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

A Leap of Faith

I emailed Irch recently. I got tired of wondering if he were still around and decided I would just see for myself.

It wasn't a very long email, just told him that I missed him - things I've been saying here over and over again. It took me a few days to actually send it. I'm still not actually sure I should have done that, but after everything I just thought maybe my friend would still be there.

I'm not sure how to describe his response. And I'm still not sure what I think of it, it's been more than a week since He replied to me and I still don't know.

Maybe it was too soon to try and talk to him again, maybe I'm still trying to hold myself together and anything he said would have made me feel like this.

It just wasn't what I'd hoped for.

I tried to open the channels for communication again, and I'm not sure it'll ever work, but I've tried and I suppose that is the best I can do. I'll just wait and see how it plays out.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Eclipse

I've been going through things on my hard drive in an attempt to help out my poor computer recently. I've discovered there are a lot of things I can't get rid of: music, videos, and old papers. A lot of these are being moved on to my external hard drive, but during this process I like to go through everything individually just to remind myself what is there, and why I've kept it.

I stumbled across a letter I wrote to Irch - it was something I wrote the day before he flew out to meet me for the first time. I was so nervous typing it up, it was something for him to read during his flight out here to say the things that I was sure I wouldn't be able to voice when he was with me in person.

Just reading through it, several times, brought back such a wave of emotions, I was unprepared for how it left me - somewhere between devastated once more, and angry, and glad that we went through with it anyway, despite the way things turned out. Because even if things did fall apart at least I got to be his, and truly his for a few months, and in the end that was what I wanted.

There are so many things that worry me about this, about actually meeting you, that I might never have had to deal with if we decided never to meet in person.

But despite all that, despite how nerve wracking this may be for me and all that.

I just want you to know, that I love you

I love you --, I love you more than I’ve ever thought I could love someone. I love you in ways I didn’t know I could love some one, and I want you. I want you more than I’ve wanted anything. I want this to work, and I want to meet you and I want to look into your eyes.

And I want to be Yours.


And even if it was for just a little while I got to love him in ways that I've never loved anyone else. And I've gotten to feel more loved than I've ever felt. And I was his, completely and totally. And as much as I hate that I can't be his right now, I am glad for the time that we did have, even for all the hurt.

For a few months, my world was right and good and better than I could have hoped for, even with it's flaws.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Wondering

I wonder if he's still out there.

He used to have this annoying habit of finding every place online where I might be doing any little thing and following it constantly.

And I wonder if he still does that, but just stays quiet now. Or if he's pulled himself back completely now.

If we're being honest, I miss him. I miss talking to him, and joking, and laughing.

And sometimes I just wonder - if he's still there.

Especially on nights like tonight, when I still have trouble sleeping.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Starting Over

Well all the moving is behind me. I've officially left behind the city where I've grown so much over the last six years. I made my last trip up there this weekend, to see to a friend - and now I don't really have a reason to ever go back there.

And now I am starting over, in this place where I grew up - back with my family, and back in familiar settings. But so much is different this time around. Not just physically - this town has changed so much in the years I was gone, some places are almost unrecognizable, but also myself. I am not the same shy girl who left here all those years ago to start something new.

I am a woman now - though I feel like a kid more days than I feel like anything else. I am looking for a job - something I never had here the first time. I have had all these life shaping and changing experiences and I just don't feel like I fit here anymore.

But I am stuck here for the time being, until I can get things put together for moving on to graduate school and taking yet another giant leap forward in my life - but right now it feels like I am in this purgatory.

Nothing is moving, it's almost like I never left. I get treated the same, and have the same expectations put on me as I did when I really was a kid. It's frustrating to say the least, and I am trying to deal with this in the most gracious way possible, but it's hard. To know that I am so different from the person I used to be, but to be put back in the place I was when I left as if nothing has changed.

I'm still getting used to it, still unpacking, still getting settled, and starting the process of starting over.

Monday, May 5, 2008

The Good

I realize practically every post I've made here so far has been what I like to call, emo. Which I suppose is understandable given the situation in which I currently find myself.

But at the same time several of these posts have been about starting over, and moving on and forward with my life as it is now. Which is a little hard to do when you're always focused on the bad like I have been doing recently.

I just want to take a minute - mostly to remind myself, that there are so many good things right now, even if something so large has to hurt so much.

Despite the less than ideal arrangement, I have been enjoying my time living at home again. It's nice to be around my family, whom I've only been able to see very sporadically over the last several years. It's nice to have their love and support - even their teasing - since I've been home.

And it's nice to have a constant reminder that I am loved.

I am really enjoying the luxury of not having to work at the moment. It is more than nice not to have to deal with the stress of a job at the moment - or feel rushed to get a job. It's good to be a slacker for a while.

I also have so many good friends, and they have all been so supportive of me, since things fell apart and before then and I know they will continue to be there for me in the years to come as even more changes come my way.

And I know I don't reply to each of your comments, like I probably should. But I do appreciate knowing that there are people out there who can understand and empathize with what I have been going through, and are encouraging me to move on like I want to.

I am thankful for all of these things, even in times when the hurt feels like too much - I know that I have all of these things there supporting me, and I am very grateful.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Waitress

Recently I've been filled with an almost overwhelming urge to call him - or email or text or any of the other things we used to do to communicate with one another. I miss just talking with him, hearing him laugh, being silly together.

We were friends long before we were romantically involved, and that's what I miss the most these days.

Of course there are the days I miss hearing that he loves me over and over and over, and the phone calls just to fill me in on his day, and the way he used to look at me - it made me feel like there was no one else on earth but the two of us. Like I was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. I miss just being able to look at someone else and know that I am loved in that deep soul touching life altering sort of way.

I miss all of that - and there aren't days where I don't have overwhelming urges to have all that back again.

But what I miss most is my friend. I miss the person I could turn to when I was having a problem, and the person who could always make me laugh, and the person I could go to for any sort of advice I might ever need, and the person I could just vent to when I'd had a bad day.

It feels like I don't have anyone to do that with anymore.

And god do I miss that.

I am trying to start fresh, to build up my life from the broken pieces - but it's harder than anything I've had to do before. To start over without the comfort of a trusted support system, some days it seems almost impossible.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

the hardest part

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved

Sonnet 116 - William Shakespeare

Friday, April 25, 2008

Packing Up

I am almost done with the packing. Just a few more boxes and everything I've collected over the last few years should be put away and ready to move home.

The first time things between Irch and fell apart, I got a box. I filled that box with everything he'd given me, all the letters and little nicknacks and presents. I couldn't stand to look at them, and so I boxed them up and put them on the highest shelf in my closet and didn't look at them again until things looked like Irch and I might have another chance.

I took the box down, and started going through it again, reading each of the letters again, and running my hands over each little item inside the box letting the memories of each thing fill my mind, and it made me feel good that I'd held on to all of it. Because I could see how far we came from.

This time I put everything back in the box, there are more letters this time and more little things, anything else and the box would be too small. I resisted the urge to go through it again, to read the letters and post cards again. I don't think I could stand it.

As I've been cleaning out the apartment I've been throwing things into the box that were from him. And tonight I thought I'd gotten everything, so I taped up the box.

Of course now, hours later, I keep finding things that he gave me. Letters he sent that were hiding under papers and things that have so become a part of my room that I didn't notice that they were from him.

And it just seems like no matter how many times I open that box again, there will always be something else I need to put in there, something that reminds me of him. That brings back a memory, that pulls me from the present back into that time when things seemed perfect.

I just want to pack it all away, all the things and memories and emotions. I just want to pack them away so I don't have to feel them anymore, I don't have to remember, or feel. But it doesn't seem like there will ever be an end to the things that bring it all back.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Proverbs

Everything passes; everything wears out; everything breaks.

I am about to start a new phase in my life - that seems to be a constant theme for me over the past few years actually. I am getting ready to move at the end of this week - back home with my family. I am a little less than excited about this, after years of living on my own.

Unfortunately it seems like the best idea for the time being so I can focus more of my attention on my progress toward graduate school. I am excited about this prospect of the move, I am ready to get serious about school again.

I've had to put my plans for graduate school on hold several times already, so I hope that in moving home I'll be able to focus more and actually pull through.

I am also hoping the change in locations will help me with a change in my life. I am ready for this part of my life - the part of being hurt and miserable and unsure of everything - can be left behind during my move.

I want to leave it behind and start fresh again.

I know it's not going to be easy, or quick, but I am hoping a change of scenery, where so many places remind me of things I can't have anymore, I'm hoping that will help the healing.

I'm tired of feeling unwanted, and just all the myriad of emotions that I've been feeling recently. I am ready to be happy again - I am ready to feel good about myself again - I'm ready to start moving on. Even though it's scary as hell.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Let go of my hand

I don't consider myself a very independent person. I never have really - though I suppose looking back on it I've almost always been independent, forced to be in many situations.

I suppose I just like not having to be independent all the time. I like having someone around that I can depend on. It's nice, not to have to constantly be in control, when in so many areas in my life that is what I have to do.

Now to find myself without that hand to hold and gentle guidance, it feels like I am lost at sea. It's not a pleasant feeling to be tossed about by the waves daily, never sure what the morning will bring. And yet that is what I am faced with daily.

Today I had a minor crisis, and the first person who jumped into my mind to ask for help was Irch. I even started writing him before I stopped myself.

I am just not in a place right now where I can talk to him, the hurt is still too near. But where does that leave me, then?

I was, of course, able to find others to help, but it felt like second best - the one person who has been there helping me and guiding me for years, wasn't an option this time. I feel equally lost when it comes to the big changes that my life is fixing to go through.

How am I supposed to deal with all this without him?

And yet, I know I'll survive, and I'll do the things I want to do - on my own. It's just going to be hard.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Sleep on it

I think one of the hardest things about everything that has happened recently - beyond the obvious - is that my sleep has been so thrown out of whack.

As many of you know, Irch would call me every night before I went to bed. It became our little pre-sleep ritual, and it left me with a sense of well being and feeling very loved every night so that I could fall asleep easily. Or as easily as I ever fall asleep.

I've found that since we're not talking anymore, when I go to sleep, I lie awake for hours. No matter how tired I was before I got into bed, no matter how many chapters of my book I read, no matter how long I've stared at the bright light of my computer screen in the darkness of my bedroom, I just lay there with nothing but my thoughts.

That's the hardest part.

During the daylight hours, when there is work, and people, and television to keep me distracted and keep my wandering mind from going places that I'd rather it didn't, I don't usually have a problem keeping my emotions and such in check.

But at night, when it's just me lying in my bed, staring up to the ceiling, and listening to whatever annoying bird has decided that the middle of the night is the perfect time to start singing, well it's a little harder to control where my mind wanders. And of course, one of the first places it goes is to him.

So some nights, it's
I wonder what he's doing right now, or I wish I could call him just to talk for a little while, or I wish I had someone to sing me to sleep, or Why wasn't I good enough, or What did I do wrong, or If I did this would he want me back.

Usually it's a mix of all of those that keeps me awake until the wee hours of the morning - so that I will push the snooze button 5-10 times in the morning, and seriously debate with myself every day whether or not I should just call in sick to get just a few more hours of blissfully ignorant sleep. I find it's the one time my mind doesn't wander to him.

There are some nights when I can just turn off the light and go to sleep, I am just hoping those sorts of nights become more and more frequent.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

New Ground

It's hard, finding a new foot hold on such shaky ground. But I aim to find my place and continue rebuilding all that was lost.

I'm still not sure what shape that will take, or how it will work, but I'm not just going to disappear. Of that much I am certain.