I wonder sometimes if what Harry said, in When Harry Met Sally, is actually true. That men and women can't be friends because the man always wants to have sex with the woman. I wonder if that means that a man who doesn't want to have sex with a particular woman can't be friends with that woman?
Irch and I have been keeping up a tentative email relationship over the past few months. We exchange an email ever 1 or 2 weeks. It's a big change from the nearly constant communication we had while we were together and even when we were "just friends."
In the last email he sent me, Irch decided he wanted to be honest with me and let me know that he was dating again.
And for all the months I've been working through being dumped and trying to be just his friend and not really sure where I stand with him - Part of me wanted to go right back to where I was when I was falling apart all the time. I'm not sure I needed to know he was dating again - because not only is it sort of a sign that things between us are never going to go back to the way I might fantasize about, but there must have been something wrong with me that he couldn't date me but he can date whoever it is he is dating now.
And it just makes me wonder - throughout the course of our friendship, there has always been a mutual sexual attraction, now whether or not we were able to act on that or not varied a lot over the years. But now it seems that the attraction is not so mutual?
In any case it seems like if we're going to make this friendship thing work, it's going to have to be done without that attraction. Though I don't know if I am up for that. Can you go from years of wanting a person to suddenly nothing? When there is so much history there?
I'm not sure we can do it, to tell you the truth. Our relationship has been so much about the flirting and teasing and all those things that go along with wanting someone, that I don't know what to do now without them. Sure, we have things in common besides that basic want, but based on our current communications I'm just not so sure it's enough.
I started this post with some idea of what I wanted to say, that was a few days ago now, and I seem to have lost the original point of this. Suffice it to say - no matter how much you think you're over someone they can always prove you wrong. And I do know that it's going to be hard being friends with someone I'm still clinging to in the way that I still cling to Irch, even though it's in such a small way.
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6 comments:
i've always heard that Harry/Sally thing as well, slightly different, men and women cannot be friends because there is always a sexual attraction on the part of one of the parties.
Don't you think you can go on with "the flirting and teasing and all those things that go along with wanting someone"? The fact that he is dating should not change your feelings for him.
Whether there is a future or not, only the gods know, but continue to be yourself, act how you wish with him and be true to yourself and your feeihngs.
I can empathize with your feelings re. the fact that he's dating again. I know how hurt and conflicted I've felt when I've dated a man, we've broken up because he felt he was unable to commit to a relationship at the present time, then I learn months later that he's dating (or at least looking). It makes you wonder, What changed between then and now, and why didn't you ask if I was still interested? In part, I think it's because guys want to save face...they hate to admit that they were wrong, so it's easier to ignore the situation and move on than backtrack and admit to their emotions. But I certain can understand how you're feeling.
Very difficult. I believe men and women being friends is possible. However when there has been sexual intimacy in the past and hopes of a future together it gets very complicated to move into simple friendship territory. I worry for you that you will hang on to the hope it'll turn around and then delay your healing. I speak of this from my own experience. Not to say it will be yours, but it's my worry for you. Hurting after a break up very normal, and it takes much longer then we'd like to admit to get over it. Continuing a relationship MAY just prolong the enivitable. Keey word May - it also MAY not. :) Keep your chin up beautiful.
oh, sweetheart, i have SO much to say on this, as you can well imagine. i wish i could do it now but i can't. still, i wanted you to know that i had been here and understand far too well.
the main thing i suppose i should toss in right now is that i don't think you can generalize from one relationship to another. i know of people who have broken up and then gotten back together one or ten years later. then of course there are the ones who've never spoken to each other again. and then there are so many permutations in between that there's no point listing them.
for what it's worth, i'll add this. i just saw the psychiatrist who monitors my SAD. she asked after the philosopher. i never specifically said it was a D/s relationship, but she always felt that he was good for me and added structure to my life. and she's not by any means a stupid or closed-minded woman. anyway, she asked after him and i said that were were tending to spend hours e-mailing on Sundays, with phone calls on special occasions and varied other small e-mails. she said that sounded good and i said but no, i needed to let go of my feelings for him. and she said "Why?" she said to just carry on as we were and see where it went... to let this part of our relationship develop. (i am deliberately NOT posting this on my blog, i don't want to pressure him with it.)
we speak of politics and movies and such. very very little flirting. he worries about the fiend and whether i am safe with him. i like that.
i honestly don't know whether he is capable of taking it to anything more once the dissertation is done. but i suppose she is right, as she usually is. at least for me.
you can't force feelings. maybe hearing that he is dating will help you break away. maybe not. my feelings for the philosopher haven't changed, but having the fiend does help.
and with Irch, how much of it has to do with the distance? is he dating - actually dating - at home? i do understand now how much distance had to do with the philosopher breaking up with me. and it helped a lot when i finally accepted that, because i was suffering horribly from the thought that what i thought we had wasn't real.
there. more than i thought i would say. not sure it makes any sense.
in any case, lots and lots of hugs.
well... i'm sure the attraction is still there, but once Master and I were having a conversation about things like this.
He said something like women long for those moments, while once a guy realises it is done for good (or so he thinks) he just moves on trying not to look back... it won't matter if he loved you or not, for him it is done, so no point to keep longing for those moments.
I don't know if I made much sense, but it is just that we think so differently! Please don't worry, that feeling will go away, promised!
have a great week
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