Thursday, October 30, 2008

Too much information?

I wonder sometimes if what Harry said, in When Harry Met Sally, is actually true. That men and women can't be friends because the man always wants to have sex with the woman. I wonder if that means that a man who doesn't want to have sex with a particular woman can't be friends with that woman?

Irch and I have been keeping up a tentative email relationship over the past few months. We exchange an email ever 1 or 2 weeks. It's a big change from the nearly constant communication we had while we were together and even when we were "just friends."

In the last email he sent me, Irch decided he wanted to be honest with me and let me know that he was dating again.

And for all the months I've been working through being dumped and trying to be just his friend and not really sure where I stand with him - Part of me wanted to go right back to where I was when I was falling apart all the time. I'm not sure I needed to know he was dating again - because not only is it sort of a sign that things between us are never going to go back to the way I might fantasize about, but there must have been something wrong with me that he couldn't date me but he can date whoever it is he is dating now.

And it just makes me wonder - throughout the course of our friendship, there has always been a mutual sexual attraction, now whether or not we were able to act on that or not varied a lot over the years. But now it seems that the attraction is not so mutual?

In any case it seems like if we're going to make this friendship thing work, it's going to have to be done without that attraction. Though I don't know if I am up for that. Can you go from years of wanting a person to suddenly nothing? When there is so much history there?

I'm not sure we can do it, to tell you the truth. Our relationship has been so much about the flirting and teasing and all those things that go along with wanting someone, that I don't know what to do now without them. Sure, we have things in common besides that basic want, but based on our current communications I'm just not so sure it's enough.

I started this post with some idea of what I wanted to say, that was a few days ago now, and I seem to have lost the original point of this. Suffice it to say - no matter how much you think you're over someone they can always prove you wrong. And I do know that it's going to be hard being friends with someone I'm still clinging to in the way that I still cling to Irch, even though it's in such a small way.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

You take me

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

'Cause I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

'Cause I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine when you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

'Cause I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Busy Busy Busy

Today, was an unusually busy day. Along with the myriad of things I do during my day to day life, there was that weekly Tuesday night get together. Though I skipped last week - I just have this thing about driving in the rain. Tonight was a good one though, there were lots of laughs and a pretty large turnout.

I am very much enjoying being a part of this group. It's nice to feel like I am making friends who whom I can be honest and open about the total person I am, and not just parts of the person I am the way I am with most of my friends.

Once that was over, I headed home. Only once I got there I got a message from a friend of mine, T. He will say hi every so often. He is one of the guys I met through craigslist a few months back. And tonight we had a little conversation, that went something like this:

T: hey you
k: hey
T: how's it goin?
k: not too bad, just got in .. how about you?
T: I'm doing okay...
T: so what were you up to this evening?
k: not a whole lot, i was hanging out with friends a little earlier
T: fun fun
T: so is your evening over or do you think it might last a little longer?
k: i'm not really sure yet
T: oh yeah?
k: yep
T: cool
T: anything I can do to help you make up your mind or are were you talking about someone else?
k: no one else at the moment
T: well then - would you like to come on over and get a spanking?
k: lol well when you say it like that
What's a girl to do when she gets a proposition like that, I ask ya?

So of course I went over to get a spanking, and goodness what a spanking it was. I won't deny that I am submissive through and through, nor will I deny my love of blow jobs. But when it comes right down to it - I love being spanked.

It's what introduced me to this whole crazy world of kink in the first place, and I still get weak in the knees at just the thought of a good spanking. The majority of my fantasies revolve around some form of spanking - it's just what really does it for me.

And I got a pretty durn good spanking tonight, I can still feel it as I sit here typing this up. I can only hope that feeling lasts throughout the night and into tomorrow.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Snapshot #4

"Put your feet on the floor and bend over the bed." He said suddenly.

It caught me by surprise. He'd only just let me start sucking his cock, and much too soon for my liking he was telling me to stand up again, to bend over and spread my ass again. This was really far too many times in one night for such a thing, in my opinion.

But there I was, my face pressed into the sheets - in embarrassment, leaning over the edge of his bed waiting for who knows what.

And then there was something cold pressing against me, working itself inside me. And just as soon it was good, only to be replaced by something larger suddenly pushed into me without warning or explanation.

"Don't drop that."

How does one not drop a plug? I had no idea, I'd never done anything like that before. And yet here I was, bent over his bed, with a bright red plug thrust into my ass.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Fingers crossed.

It's been raining a lot these past few days. Pouring actually. We haven't had this much rain in ages. It's been that nice sort of rain, warm and without thunder. Of course it leaves me wanting to lounge around and be lazy all day. It looks like it will be a few days still before all this rain clears up.

Though the sun was out this morning. Just enough to warm my skin as I ran a few errands around town, and remind me that an end will come to all this rain.

I've never been a huge fan of rain - I do like the warm spring showers, especially when the sun is still out. It's those big storms, the ones with thunder that shake the whole house that bother me. I find myself more often than not doing my darnedest to keep myself occupied with anything that will keep my mind off the rain and the thunder and lightening.

Luckily we haven't had any of that sort of rain recently. And I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it'll stay that way.

It seems the power of fingers crossed is doing pretty great things these days. I got my results back from the biopsy this morning. And things came back negative.

I was doing my best to keep thinking that of course things were going to come back negative. I'm still just a kid, all things considered, and there was no way I could have cancer. But still there was that worry in the back of my mind, that maybe I really could.

But I can put all that behind me now - things are fine. I am fine. And as I thought there was no way I could have cancer.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Upcoming

So earlier this summer, back when I had that fun little trip to the ER which turned into a full blown hospital stay with surgery, they did a CT scan while I was in the emergency room. Just to check and see what the problem I was having was. During the course of that scan they noticed something.

They thought they saw some nodules on my thyroid and suggested I see an endocrinologist when I was feeling better. I got around to seeing the endocrinologist and they had me get all sorts of blood work done and an ultrasound so they could get a better idea of what we were dealing with.

This past week I had a follow-up appointment with the endocrinologist, to let me know what they had found in my lab work. It turns out I have two nodules on my thyroid of a worrying size. And so they want to me to have a biopsy.

Turns out nodules on your thyroid over 2cm in size have a slight chance of being malignant. And so that same day my doctor scheduled a biopsy for me. Just so we could make sure that the nodules weren't cancerous.

So tomorrow morning, I'll be headed up to the hospital. And then I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed that the nodules turn out to be benign. Otherwise we'll get to schedule yet another surgery and I can tell you right now I am not a fan of surgery.

So keep your fingers crossed with me.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

A little break

I thought about doing another snapshot post, since it's been a while since I posted the last one. Though I'm having trouble framing out the next one. They are all snippets of actual experiences of mine - though from a few months ago. I haven't been lucky enough to have anything like that recently.

Things have been slowly chugging along recently. I am still going to those Tuesday night get-togethers, and last week I even braved a meeting of a local subs group. That was new and interesting and fun.

I am feeling more and more comfortable with myself these days. It's a new and exciting thing to be my own person - to feel at home in my skin. I am still in the process of getting to know myself and all that entails, whatever that may be, but I am enjoying the process - and I am looking forward to more.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Toby


I got Toby in December of this past year. A few weeks before Christmas. My girlfriend took me to Petsmart because they had a lot of cats available for adoption. She showed me this one - his name was Peaches at the time. He was the oldest cat there, 5 years according to his paperwork, and he was beautiful. He seemed a little skittish, but lovable all the same.

I ended up getting him on a whim - I couldn't really afford the adoption fee, or the price of keeping up with a cat, but my friend said she'd help. And I'd been wanting a cat. So I brought him home. The first thing he did was climb right into the fireplace to try and hide when we let him out of the box they'd provided for us.

He spent much of the next few days hiding under my bed, only coming out to eat. Eventually though he got braver, and began exploring the apartment. Checking out my roommate's dog, and generally taking the place over.

He loved my bed, he slept their during the day, and then slept their with me at night, claiming my head as his favorite sleeping spot. He was so funny, chasing his tail in ways I'd only ever seen dogs do, and winning over everyone who met him.

Toby was there to comfort me when things with Irch fell apart. He let me hold him too tightly and cry with him. He rubbed against me and purred and lay with me night after night giving me something to hold on to.

A few months later, I had to move. Toby came with me, of course. In my new home there were 2 other cats Toby had to get used to. It was a rough transition. He wasn't used to the other cats and they weren't used to him. Slowly but surely boundaries were established and things appeared to be settling down.

Over the course of the past few months, it looked like Toby began putting on weight, his stomach expanding so he looked pregnant. Recently we noticed he'd stopped eating, and despite the girth around his middle he felt too thin.

We took Toby to the vet this morning, not really sure what the problem was. Thinking it was something small and hopefully easily fixed. The vet of course told us differently, and after a few diagnostic tests we decided on Organ Failure. His Liver most likely, and it was leaking into his abdomen giving him that pregnant look.

He went over the few things we could try to help him, but he told us anything we did would only be temporarily prolonging Toby's life. In the end the prognosis was the same. And so all we needed to decide was if we were going to put him through a few more hard weeks trying to make him stay with us or let him go today while he wasn't hurting.

I've never had to put down an animal before. I stayed with him while the Doctor injected the anesthesia, petted him and stroked his fur, comforting him like he'd done for me so many times, until his heart stopped and his chest stopped rising and falling and he was gone.

I had Toby for less than a year, but he was a good cat, he put up with so much, and I just hope I was able to make his last months good and comfortable. I love him so much, I just didn't want him to hurt.