Emailing

So Irch and I have been emailing back and forth recently. After wibbling and wobbling about emailing him that first time, I managed to make a response. And since then we've been emailing slowly, not anything very special, mostly just how's your day and we did a little catching up for all that time that we didn't talk.

It's been strange - to go from being friends for years, and then lovers and then to not talking and now we're tentatively starting things up again. It's a bit like starting over but we both still know everything about one another.

It is hard, I feel like I don't know what to say to him anymore, what is off limits, what's fair game.

The one thing though, is I'm always left wanting more. I want to talk to him more, to hear his voice again, to be able to use messenger again, or even more frequent emails. And I don't know if that's good for me or not. If I should just cut myself off, because I'm always going to hope there could be more, or if it's worth trying to be friends so I don't have to say good-bye to so many years of friendship.

I just really don't want to lose my best friend, again.

PostSecret.com

I saw this tonight, and I wished so badly it was for me. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over him.

Continued Complications

A while back I emailed Irch. And I got back a reply which wasn't really what I had hoped for in reaching out to him, and I thought that would be the end of it. But you know how these things go - the end never comes easily or the way you think it will.

I got another email from Irch this week, and I really wasn't sure what to do with it. I think it was the sort of email I had been hoping for the first time around - but truth be told, I'm not really even sure what I was looking for then.

So things have been interesting since then, I had a lot of debating on whether or not I was even going to reply in the first place, and then when I'd made up my mind what was I going to say, and what did it all mean, and what were the hidden meanings in what he was saying and my mind just went to town on this one.

I'm still waiting to hear back, I've given up the hope of any secret meanings beyond what's there in black and white, and I've got my mom and best friend on standby should this blow up in my face and land me back where I was a few months ago. Because I'm finally at a point where thinking about what happened doesn't send me into a fit of emo depression and tears, and I'd rather not go back to that.

So as usual, it looks like all I can do is wait.

Dating?

Can I tell you all about my phobia of meeting new people? I hate it, I dread it, I am loathed to do it. I hate meeting new people - if I could just live in a world with people I already know for the rest of my life, well I'd be one happy camper.

Of course that doesn't fit with my plan to, move to a strange city, and go to graduate school, and maybe perhaps one sunny day in the future - teach college students. But trust me, if there was a way that I could do all of this without meeting anyone new, I would jump at it in a heart-beat.

This whole, meeting new people thing, I've been trying recently... It's slow goings.

I've loved the getting to know someone through emails phase, I've even gotten over my phone phobia to talk to people on the phone, but to actually meet up in person, for a drink, a dinner, a movie, a coffee - I'm going in the opposite direction when it comes to that.

Of course it doesn't help that I avoid doing things where I don't get those comfort phases of email and phone time to get to know a person - So things in trying-new-things-land are interesting to say the least.

Things are still progressing though, despite my inability to be a grown-up about some things. And we shall just have to wait and see how they develop in the future.

Stepping out

Things have been busy for me recently - which has been a nice change.

I've started to get a few responses for several new job opportunities. I've gotten to spend some time with my friends, and I've even met some new people. A few of which are very intriguing.

Things are still very new, we're just getting to know each other now, but I haven't ever really done anything like this before - so I'm taking things slowly. But it's kind of nice, starting something new and different.

I'm not sure what will come of any of this, but I'm moving forward and taking that first step.