Snapshot #3

There is something very interesting about a leash. I've never actually worn on until that night - and I haven't had the pleasure since. It felt a little strange just hanging there - I think the sensation was heightened by my being naked, but I don't know for sure. I don't think it started to feel right until he told me to put it in my mouth when he had me crawl to him.

It was strange how in that moment of change it went to some weird thing dangling from this collar I was wearing - to a real leash. I carried it to him and he took it from me and held it, while I knelt there beside his chair.

I've never before been so completely aware of myself as I knelt there. We just continued talking like we had been earlier.

He dropped the leash on the floor and had me turn to face the wall, while he moved to the couch behind me.

"Put your shoulders on the ground and spread your ass for me."

Now came a longer moment of hesitation than the one that had come when he'd told me to strip. I don't know that I'd ever been that expose to anyone before. But after what must have been only a moment I lowered myself so my shoulders were on the carpet and reached back to do as he'd asked.

I can only imagine the shade of red my face was in that moment. But I focused myself on breathing and listening to him. He didn't say anything for a while, just sat there staring as I exposed myself.

"Sit up and put the leash back in your mouth and come over here."

I got up on my knees again reaching for the leash, "You will only ever use your mouth to pick up the leash again, do you understand."

"Yes, Sir."

And I leaned down once more to pick up the leash with my teeth before I turned and crawled to him, offering it once more.

Snapshot #2

"Do you think if I told you to suck my cock, you would?" He looked at me expectantly.

The question had come out of the blue. We were talking about something else completely and it caught me off guard. "I don't know."

"I don't know is not an answer."

'I don't know' is my fall back response. The thing I say when my thoughts get too complicated, when I don't want to admit to something I really do want, when I'm feeling embarrassed. Sometimes I say it before I've even had a chance to think through the question. It's almost an automatic response in some places.

"Do you think if I told you to suck my cock, right now, you would?"

"I think I probably would."

"I think you would too."

And just like that the thought was in my mind, stuck there - waiting - prodding at me every so often as we continued to talk. Because, I like that. I'll admit that it happens to be one of my favorite things to do.

That thought sat there, niggling in the back of mind, wondering if he was going to tell me to suck his cock. If it would be just another out of the blue moments, like his initial question. Or if it would come later, as part of something else.

'I don't know' came out of my mouth a lot more often after that question.

Snapshot #1

He handed me a hood and told me to put it on - this was a test, so he could see just how submissive I really was. I pulled it over my head, adjusting it so I could see and my mouth was unobstructed. It wasn't nearly as terrible as I thought it would be, I could still see fine and breathing wasn't a problem ... it was just a little warm.

He had me move to the ottoman, back arched facing away from him. He'd gone into the bedroom for a few minutes and returned with a collar. He wrapped it around my neck, going to far as to lock it in place.

"Do you feel that?"

He had me raise my hand to feel the lock that secured the collar around my neck. I hadn't actually realized he'd locked it in place until that moment. And I'd started to wonder just what I was getting myself into.

After a few more minutes talking he told me to strip, he pointed to a spot on the floor where I could lay my clothes and then kneel when I was finished. There was only a moment's hesitation before I was standing up and moving to the spot. It was interesting how quickly a dinner date had turned into this.

I knelt on the floor and he handed me a leash and told me to clip it to one of the rings on the collar.

I lay my clothes on the floor one piece at a time until I was completely naked except for the hood and collar. He had me crawl to him, the leash in my mouth so I could kneel beside his chair. And we talked - just like we had been earlier, though I'd been clothed and seated in a chair across from his earlier.

"Are you nervous?"

"A little."

"Do you like this?"

"Yes."

Of all the things that were going through my head right then, that I liked this was the one thing I was certain of, and I wanted to see what else we would do.

The Quiet Ones

Throughout my life, I've always been the good child. I did my homework and got it turned in on time, I was a girl scout all the way through high school, I spent time with the grown ups rather than running around screaming with the rest of the kids.

I've always felt more at home with the quieter pursuits of my time. I like things like reading, and writing - I feel most comfortable in those sorts of places.

This summer has been about moving myself outside of my comfort zones.

It started with craigslist, because well I didn't know about anything else. I actually met 2 men through craigslist. And both were very much outside of my comfort zone - but I found that I enjoyed it. It was a bit of a rush, meeting someone new, doing something so completely out of character like that.

I had one of the most frank conversations of my adult life with a man I met through craigslist - He and I still talk in emails, though we haven't gotten around to spending more time together.

And now these days I've joined fetlife, and I've meet even more people. People who are funny and charming and surprisingly very easy to spend time with. And I've enjoyed my time with them very much.

But I'm the quiet one, even with all these new experiences and new steps I've been taking I'm still the shy quiet girl I always was - just maybe a little braver than I used to be. I don't want to feel like I am becoming something other than myself.

And it's nice to see that so far, I've been able to do that, with a very real sense of myself while trying all these new things. And it's just confirmation that these things I desire and fantasize about they're all part of me they're just waiting to be realized - and that's sort of exciting.

Kinkier?

So I was talking with an ex last night, I've been calling him regularly to talk about these Tuesday get-togethers I've been going to. Since he's about the only person I can actually talk to about all these things I've been getting into recently.

He made mention of the fact that the people who I've been hanging out with are so much more kinky than I am. It's been something I've been thinking about today, and I'm not sure I agree.

And sure they certainly have more kinky experience than I do, but does one need experience to be kinky?

I just haven't been given the opportunity to try out all the sordid things my dirty little mind comes up with yet. But I am working on it. And that's what part of all this new self-discovery and bravely meeting new people is all about. I am working on finding a way to try out some of the things that, up to now, have only ever been a part of my fantasies.

In all my relationships thus far, they've mostly stayed well within the range of sensual Dominance and submission with a spanking thrown in every now and then. And I've been wildly happy with that, and I think I still could be completely happy with that - but I am on my own for the first time in over six years. This is my chance to step out of my comfort zone, to try new things, to try the things I've thought about for years.

I want to see if the things that make my toes curl and my breath speed up just thinking about them have that same effect when actually experienced. I want to try those things for myself while I have the opportunity.

And this is the time.

Your kink is ok, but not you

It's an interesting thing - being snubbed.

We in this sort of lifestyle, so many of us pride ourselves on being so accepting and tolerant of our different kinks. Apparently that tolerance doesn't extend to other people.

I think it's especially harsh in that it came in a place where I had started to feel safe, and where I was starting to feel like I could open up and be myself and not have to really worry about what the other people there were going to think.

But to suddenly have this new person show up - who of course isn't really new, just new to me - and to not even bother returning my greeting, and making a point to move away from me when I'd sat near, and then ignoring me the whole night. Well it's just sort of one of those things that makes me want to not go back.

I'm sure I will go back, simply because while this new person obviously doesn't care for me, I haven't felt any sort of passive aggressive hostilities from any of the other members of the group, but then again maybe I'm just that oblivious.

It was just frustrating. And despite all the rejections I've had over the years, being snubbed like that never feels good, even when it's by a complete stranger.

Who am I?

This is something I've been struggling with a lot recently. Who am I?

For the longest time, years, since 2005, I've identified myself through my relationship with Irch. I've been his girl, his slave, his slut... and even before then when remembering myself, I was his friend.

It's been such a long time, since I've identified myself as me. As a person independent from Irch. These last 6 months, I've been the girl who is getting over Irch. Still defined by him and his influence.

I'm only just starting to see that, and only just starting to pull away from that.

I'm more than just the girl that Irch decided he didn't want to be with anymore. And I'm more than the girl who is trying to put her life back together without him in it.

I am the quiet one, the listener, the shy one, the watcher, the new girl, and so many other things.

Unless you're Jack

So I've been going to these weekly meetings, though meetings really seems to formal a word for them. It's just a group of like-minded folks getting together to laugh, joke, and talk every week. It's been exciting and fun and so different to join these people for the last 2 weeks. And I've talked about that some in my recently posts.

I'm on a bit of a journey of self-discovery these days. I have slowly been doing my best to learn more about myself - about the things I like and perhaps don't like.

Despite the relationships I've had in the past, I feel like I don't have much real experience when it comes to the realm of bdsm. Or more to the point all my experience thus far has been by and large contained in the realm of the sensual. I've yet to really break into the physical, the world of torment and and play, those are relatively uncharted waters for me.

I met a man this summer, one of my many attempts at being brave during this slow period of self-discovery and taking new steps. We had what was probably one of the most frank conversations I've ever had about my sexuality, my experiences, my views on bdsm, and the things I might want to try in the future. But he made it glaringly obvious that compared to most I am completely inexperienced in most areas of this so called lifestyle.

In this weekly group, they've made mention of a rule by which they all generally like to abide.

My kink is ok, and your kink is ok.

Seems pretty obvious at first glance, I like to think one part of this little lifestyle in which we all like to live, is that we're pretty tolerant of one another. Though of course there are plenty of exceptions to the rule. But the more I've thought about it the more I realize that I haven't really been living like that.

I'm more of a your kink is ok, my kink is not good enough type of person. Though that's something I've been working on. Accepting myself and the things I like, of course that's what this whole process of self-discovery and awareness is all about.

I'm on the path toward really believing that my kink is ok, the things I want and dream about they're ok and they don't make me some weird little girl for desiring them. I may be weird in other ways, but at least when it comes to my kinks I'm ok.

Another step forward

So I've gone to another get together with the folks I met last week.

And as you can see I've survived once again, I'm beginning to think I may survive every time I go. Guess I'll just have to keep going to find out for sure.

It's been fun going to these little get-togethers. I like spending time with real people, and yes it's still taking me time to get used to the idea of talking about kink out loud, I have a feeling spending time with people who do can only help with that.

It's nice to laugh, and to just spend time with people who are genuinely funny and fun to be with. And yes I don't do a lot of talking, mostly just laughing and nodding my head - which I'm sure is giving them all a wonderful opinion of me - it is still a step for me.

And there will be a job interview later this week, I think these changes are going to be helping out a lot in this big reconstruction of myself I've been working on recently. And who knows, maybe soon there will be some new ground to step out on to.