Still kicking

It's been a little while since I've done anything much over here.

Things are still rolling along at their usual slower than comfortable pace, but that is ok for the time being. Especially with the holiday season descending upon us. I can't believe it is practically December, it feels like just a few days ago it was March, and now here we are all the way in December.

I'm not ready for it to be this last in the year already.

Thanksgiving is over and done with. I was sick this year, so that was disappointing, and now I am preparing for a trip up to Indiana in a few days. And I just might get to see an old friend of mine, which will mean plenty of new stories if he and I manage to see one another again.

So I hope you all will have a wonderful holiday season and I should be around with more stories when I return from my trip.

sub culture

As part of my getting involved and meeting new people plan, I joined a local group for submissive types. They have a meeting once a month, so I've only gone to one so far. Though this month I missed the meeting.

The topic this month was one I thought I could have really contributed to too, so I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to go. So I wrote up some of my feelings on the matter and added it to the mailing list and since I seem to be a little quiet recently I thought I would copy it here.

"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or, you will be taught how to fly." -Patrick Overton

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." -Alexander Graham Bell

I think the quote provided this month are particularly fitting. Earlier this year, the relationship that I was in ended, and I guess you could call that a release - though it was no where as cut and dry as something as that might have been. But I went from one day knowing who I was and to whom I belong and then the next day suddenly everything was upside down.

I've spent the last several months trying to put myself back together after that release and it hasn't been an easy process. For so long I identified as belonging to this person. I wasn't just k, I was His k and belonging to him was something that suffused every part of my life right down to the most mundane things.

I think the hardest part for me has been moving away from that mentality, and moving on to define myself as my own person. I think more than in vanilla relationships, and even more so from the s-type side of things, we identify ourselves based on our relationships, and then when that relationship is suddenly gone how do you identify yourself? Because you've not only lost the person that you loved, but you've also lost that part that you use to identify yourself.

So I've been rebuilding, from the ground up, to learn how to identify myself through only myself. Because if I can't do that, then I'm not ready to move on and I'm certainly not ready to belong to someone else because as long as I'm still clinging to that bit of identity I had in that relationship I am still owned in part - even if I've been released.

So that's my challenge. And I am working now on getting to know myself better so I'll be ready when that next door is open.

The way of things

So as you all know I've been working on getting involved in the local kink community over the past few months. And from my point of view it's been going pretty durn well.

This past week at our little weekly get together there were two new people who stopped by, both very new to the local scene too. For me it's a bit strange to hear about people who are brand new to the scene stuff and in that first week they'll go to 3 different parties and play with all sorts of people and try all these new things.

I can't imagine doing that, I mean I have a hard enough time branching out from the things I already do. I'm still working my way up to parties - I'd liked to go at least once to see what they're like.

I think my big problem with all of this is having no one to go with. I wouldn't be so deathly shy if I had someone there to hold my hand while trying all these new things. But I've been taking my time to make friends so I'll have someone there I can hide behind if I suddenly discover that this big ol' world of kink is just too scary for me.

It's just interesting to see the different routes people take through all of this.