sub culture

As part of my getting involved and meeting new people plan, I joined a local group for submissive types. They have a meeting once a month, so I've only gone to one so far. Though this month I missed the meeting.

The topic this month was one I thought I could have really contributed to too, so I was disappointed that I wasn't going to be able to go. So I wrote up some of my feelings on the matter and added it to the mailing list and since I seem to be a little quiet recently I thought I would copy it here.

"When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen: There will be something solid for you to stand upon, or, you will be taught how to fly." -Patrick Overton

"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us." -Alexander Graham Bell

I think the quote provided this month are particularly fitting. Earlier this year, the relationship that I was in ended, and I guess you could call that a release - though it was no where as cut and dry as something as that might have been. But I went from one day knowing who I was and to whom I belong and then the next day suddenly everything was upside down.

I've spent the last several months trying to put myself back together after that release and it hasn't been an easy process. For so long I identified as belonging to this person. I wasn't just k, I was His k and belonging to him was something that suffused every part of my life right down to the most mundane things.

I think the hardest part for me has been moving away from that mentality, and moving on to define myself as my own person. I think more than in vanilla relationships, and even more so from the s-type side of things, we identify ourselves based on our relationships, and then when that relationship is suddenly gone how do you identify yourself? Because you've not only lost the person that you loved, but you've also lost that part that you use to identify yourself.

So I've been rebuilding, from the ground up, to learn how to identify myself through only myself. Because if I can't do that, then I'm not ready to move on and I'm certainly not ready to belong to someone else because as long as I'm still clinging to that bit of identity I had in that relationship I am still owned in part - even if I've been released.

So that's my challenge. And I am working now on getting to know myself better so I'll be ready when that next door is open.