A Leap of Faith

I emailed Irch recently. I got tired of wondering if he were still around and decided I would just see for myself.

It wasn't a very long email, just told him that I missed him - things I've been saying here over and over again. It took me a few days to actually send it. I'm still not actually sure I should have done that, but after everything I just thought maybe my friend would still be there.

I'm not sure how to describe his response. And I'm still not sure what I think of it, it's been more than a week since He replied to me and I still don't know.

Maybe it was too soon to try and talk to him again, maybe I'm still trying to hold myself together and anything he said would have made me feel like this.

It just wasn't what I'd hoped for.

I tried to open the channels for communication again, and I'm not sure it'll ever work, but I've tried and I suppose that is the best I can do. I'll just wait and see how it plays out.

Eclipse

I've been going through things on my hard drive in an attempt to help out my poor computer recently. I've discovered there are a lot of things I can't get rid of: music, videos, and old papers. A lot of these are being moved on to my external hard drive, but during this process I like to go through everything individually just to remind myself what is there, and why I've kept it.

I stumbled across a letter I wrote to Irch - it was something I wrote the day before he flew out to meet me for the first time. I was so nervous typing it up, it was something for him to read during his flight out here to say the things that I was sure I wouldn't be able to voice when he was with me in person.

Just reading through it, several times, brought back such a wave of emotions, I was unprepared for how it left me - somewhere between devastated once more, and angry, and glad that we went through with it anyway, despite the way things turned out. Because even if things did fall apart at least I got to be his, and truly his for a few months, and in the end that was what I wanted.

There are so many things that worry me about this, about actually meeting you, that I might never have had to deal with if we decided never to meet in person.

But despite all that, despite how nerve wracking this may be for me and all that.

I just want you to know, that I love you

I love you --, I love you more than I’ve ever thought I could love someone. I love you in ways I didn’t know I could love some one, and I want you. I want you more than I’ve wanted anything. I want this to work, and I want to meet you and I want to look into your eyes.

And I want to be Yours.

And even if it was for just a little while I got to love him in ways that I've never loved anyone else. And I've gotten to feel more loved than I've ever felt. And I was his, completely and totally. And as much as I hate that I can't be his right now, I am glad for the time that we did have, even for all the hurt.

For a few months, my world was right and good and better than I could have hoped for, even with it's flaws.

Wondering

I wonder if he's still out there.

He used to have this annoying habit of finding every place online where I might be doing any little thing and following it constantly.

And I wonder if he still does that, but just stays quiet now. Or if he's pulled himself back completely now.

If we're being honest, I miss him. I miss talking to him, and joking, and laughing.

And sometimes I just wonder - if he's still there.

Especially on nights like tonight, when I still have trouble sleeping.

Starting Over

Well all the moving is behind me. I've officially left behind the city where I've grown so much over the last six years. I made my last trip up there this weekend, to see to a friend - and now I don't really have a reason to ever go back there.

And now I am starting over, in this place where I grew up - back with my family, and back in familiar settings. But so much is different this time around. Not just physically - this town has changed so much in the years I was gone, some places are almost unrecognizable, but also myself. I am not the same shy girl who left here all those years ago to start something new.

I am a woman now - though I feel like a kid more days than I feel like anything else. I am looking for a job - something I never had here the first time. I have had all these life shaping and changing experiences and I just don't feel like I fit here anymore.

But I am stuck here for the time being, until I can get things put together for moving on to graduate school and taking yet another giant leap forward in my life - but right now it feels like I am in this purgatory.

Nothing is moving, it's almost like I never left. I get treated the same, and have the same expectations put on me as I did when I really was a kid. It's frustrating to say the least, and I am trying to deal with this in the most gracious way possible, but it's hard. To know that I am so different from the person I used to be, but to be put back in the place I was when I left as if nothing has changed.

I'm still getting used to it, still unpacking, still getting settled, and starting the process of starting over.

The Good

I realize practically every post I've made here so far has been what I like to call, emo. Which I suppose is understandable given the situation in which I currently find myself.

But at the same time several of these posts have been about starting over, and moving on and forward with my life as it is now. Which is a little hard to do when you're always focused on the bad like I have been doing recently.

I just want to take a minute - mostly to remind myself, that there are so many good things right now, even if something so large has to hurt so much.

Despite the less than ideal arrangement, I have been enjoying my time living at home again. It's nice to be around my family, whom I've only been able to see very sporadically over the last several years. It's nice to have their love and support - even their teasing - since I've been home.

And it's nice to have a constant reminder that I am loved.

I am really enjoying the luxury of not having to work at the moment. It is more than nice not to have to deal with the stress of a job at the moment - or feel rushed to get a job. It's good to be a slacker for a while.

I also have so many good friends, and they have all been so supportive of me, since things fell apart and before then and I know they will continue to be there for me in the years to come as even more changes come my way.

And I know I don't reply to each of your comments, like I probably should. But I do appreciate knowing that there are people out there who can understand and empathize with what I have been going through, and are encouraging me to move on like I want to.

I am thankful for all of these things, even in times when the hurt feels like too much - I know that I have all of these things there supporting me, and I am very grateful.

Waitress

Recently I've been filled with an almost overwhelming urge to call him - or email or text or any of the other things we used to do to communicate with one another. I miss just talking with him, hearing him laugh, being silly together.

We were friends long before we were romantically involved, and that's what I miss the most these days.

Of course there are the days I miss hearing that he loves me over and over and over, and the phone calls just to fill me in on his day, and the way he used to look at me - it made me feel like there was no one else on earth but the two of us. Like I was the most beautiful person he'd ever seen. I miss just being able to look at someone else and know that I am loved in that deep soul touching life altering sort of way.

I miss all of that - and there aren't days where I don't have overwhelming urges to have all that back again.

But what I miss most is my friend. I miss the person I could turn to when I was having a problem, and the person who could always make me laugh, and the person I could go to for any sort of advice I might ever need, and the person I could just vent to when I'd had a bad day.

It feels like I don't have anyone to do that with anymore.

And god do I miss that.

I am trying to start fresh, to build up my life from the broken pieces - but it's harder than anything I've had to do before. To start over without the comfort of a trusted support system, some days it seems almost impossible.