I emailed Irch recently. I got tired of wondering if he were still around and decided I would just see for myself.
It wasn't a very long email, just told him that I missed him - things I've been saying here over and over again. It took me a few days to actually send it. I'm still not actually sure I should have done that, but after everything I just thought maybe my friend would still be there.
I'm not sure how to describe his response. And I'm still not sure what I think of it, it's been more than a week since He replied to me and I still don't know.
Maybe it was too soon to try and talk to him again, maybe I'm still trying to hold myself together and anything he said would have made me feel like this.
It just wasn't what I'd hoped for.
I tried to open the channels for communication again, and I'm not sure it'll ever work, but I've tried and I suppose that is the best I can do. I'll just wait and see how it plays out.
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Oh, k. I'm so sorry.
I sent Chief a few messages too, occasionally, but by now I'm pretty sure that he isn't going to respond. I think he probably knows that's for the best. At least I'm hoping that he has that much grace and foresight to know that it would just make everything worse.
I guess maybe the difference is that I know I wouldn't be happy being Chief's friend. There's nothing to hope for, there, for me. Even if he wanted me back on just the minimal terms, I couldn't trust that he wouldn't flake out and abandon me again. So... that's a pretty dead end.
It doesn't mean that I don't mourn what we had, dreadfully. But there is no road out from the place he took us.
Also, k, feel free to email me anytime. I'm always eager to listen.
We can lock ourselves in boxes by trying to second guess whether we should or shouldn't. I think it was brave of you to write, and honest. Whatever his response, you were open and honest, which in fact is something we learn as submissives - and something to treasure. No one but Irch is responsible for his response. I'm sorry if his reply was disappointing, or hurtful, but you were admirable to reach out.
Good luck with your new friends, and with moving forward.
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