I don't think I ever really grasped just how broken I've been until this week. I suppose I thought when the crying stopped I had stared putting the pieces back together. But I am so much more broken today than I ever thought I was.
Things with my new friend have come to a halt.
I'm not ready to move on, despite what I may have thought. I'm still clinging too tightly to the idea that Irch will want me back some day. He'll want me to be his again.
And I know it's stupid, I know I'm keeping myself from being happy now by holding on to something that probably won't happen again. But despite all the things I know, I can't just let that go.
I thought I could, but I'm not ready yet. He may not want it, but he still owns a part of me and I can't give myself to someone else while that part of me still belongs to him.
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3 comments:
oh sweetheart, you keep writing these little posts that could have been written by me!
i am going ahead with my little adventure, but it is being made a little easier because i know it is only temporary as he will be leaving the area before too long and we know that each is not what the other ultimately needs.
still, i am obsessed with making sure that the philosopher knows that he hasn't been replaced in my heart. i have fantasies that he will finish his dissertation and will open his eyes one day and realize that his life is empty without me. that friendship with me is not enough.
and i imagine that next week he will read about my adventure this weekend and be seized with a fierce attack of jealousy and possessiveness. i really hope that happens.
the fantasies and tears just don't stop. you're not the only one suffering from that.
you will be back again, don't worry, time heals everything, i know sometimes we just can't help it but trust me, that someone is waiting for you, just as much as you are waiting for him.
You can't see past Irch right now, but time will come when you still care for him but won't hurt anymore.
xo
samara{UC}
ps I know i'm new here, i found you looking for some neat images and google just put you on my way.
This breaks my heart to read... and i know that feeling... the hope of what was can once again be-- improved and better than every.
Very infrequently though do things that hurt us turn around without massive amounts of compromise and trepidition.
i do hope for you the best when you meet someone else and i hope that you let them in slowly and let someone care about you in the ways you deserve and need.
xoxx
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