I think one of the hardest things about everything that has happened recently - beyond the obvious - is that my sleep has been so thrown out of whack.
As many of you know, Irch would call me every night before I went to bed. It became our little pre-sleep ritual, and it left me with a sense of well being and feeling very loved every night so that I could fall asleep easily. Or as easily as I ever fall asleep.
I've found that since we're not talking anymore, when I go to sleep, I lie awake for hours. No matter how tired I was before I got into bed, no matter how many chapters of my book I read, no matter how long I've stared at the bright light of my computer screen in the darkness of my bedroom, I just lay there with nothing but my thoughts.
That's the hardest part.
During the daylight hours, when there is work, and people, and television to keep me distracted and keep my wandering mind from going places that I'd rather it didn't, I don't usually have a problem keeping my emotions and such in check.
But at night, when it's just me lying in my bed, staring up to the ceiling, and listening to whatever annoying bird has decided that the middle of the night is the perfect time to start singing, well it's a little harder to control where my mind wanders. And of course, one of the first places it goes is to him.
So some nights, it's I wonder what he's doing right now, or I wish I could call him just to talk for a little while, or I wish I had someone to sing me to sleep, or Why wasn't I good enough, or What did I do wrong, or If I did this would he want me back.
Usually it's a mix of all of those that keeps me awake until the wee hours of the morning - so that I will push the snooze button 5-10 times in the morning, and seriously debate with myself every day whether or not I should just call in sick to get just a few more hours of blissfully ignorant sleep. I find it's the one time my mind doesn't wander to him.
There are some nights when I can just turn off the light and go to sleep, I am just hoping those sorts of nights become more and more frequent.
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Starting Over
- k
- "Gently did my soul / Put off her veil, and, self-transmuted, stood / Naked, as in the presence of her God"
5 comments:
I really understand this situation and just feel for you very strongly. I too have trouble turning my thoughts off at night especially during troubled times and then have disastrous mornings.
People always suggest herbal nighttime teas to me, not eating late and not using the computer just before bed. I know that doesn't help the underlying problem but still.
Glass of good red?
xxxx milla
Absolutely, Milla - pinot beats the hell out of Ambien any day of the week.
And regrettably, k, that's the only advice I have to offer as well, as it's the only thing that worked for me for a while.
I know how you feel. It is so hard to stop the mind's wandering...and wandering where it most causes heartache. I'm not sure what the best advice is because to move on, the remnants and emotions you're feeling and wanting to avoid need to be dealt with. Not all at once because it's too much to bear, but the sadness and loss have to be absorbed to start that healing.
It's not easy. And I know where you are now and it's still so raw.
Gentle. Be so gentle with yourself, okay?
Love yourself.
I'm thinking of you.
I was once taught a relaxation technique where you lay flat on your back in bed, tense every single muscle as hard as you can, hands, feet, legs, toes, squeeze your eyes shut and then hold it for as long as you can, then let it go, while you let it all go you concentrate in your head on thinking about absolutely NOTHING. Its so hard, because when you are concentrating on thinking about nothing you are still "thinking" about "nothing" right?
Nevertheless, I end up trying so hard to think of "nothing" that I fall asleep.
Worth a try?
I knew where you are at with those silent, dark, bedtime thoughts hon.
Hugs to you, hang in there and try not to think of "what ifs", there is no point in "what-ifs".
xxxx
Hello k,
I don't know if Irch gave you any mantras, or if you have any inclination to yoga, or zen or any of those eastern philosophies. Many find that the use of a mantra can be very calming by helping you mind focus on something internalizing. Help you quiet the internal noise/storm, help you cneter yourself. Some people also refer to them as positive affirmations.
Something like that might very well help you settle and clam yourself/mind so that you can sleep.
David
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